Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker...

   I support the right of the Jedi to build a temple, but does it have to be two blocks from the ruins of the Death Star?

   The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were: Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

   This bagel with "everything" is seriously lacking in truffle oil, sprinkles, the blood of my enemies and the stolen dreams of children.

   sometimes I fill my blow up doll with helium so she plays hard to get.

   Keep your guests on their toes by disabling the flush mechanism on all the toilets in your house and filling the medicine cabinets with marbles.

   Updating my status in the car. Don't worry, I'm in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the damn cops.

   Justin Beiber's new movie comes out tonight and is already getting oscar buzz for Best Actress in a Comedy

   finally came out of the closet and told my family I'm white. It took a lot of courage on my part, but I felt it was time they understood why I can't jump or dance.

   When I need a friend, you're there.. When I'm lonely, you're there.. When I'm afraid, you're there.. When I need help, you're still there.. Dammit! When the f*ck will you come over here?? You're always there!!

   My date went pretty well last night. I was really attracted to her and sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex for hours. Kinda makes me wonder why didn't I get a taser sooner.

   Women are like steaks. They should be a little thick,really juicy and eaten at least once a week

   I bet The Kardashians' have a ton of leftover white meat on Thanksgiving.

   Telling someone that you're going to bed, When you're actually not, and then having to hold back from posting things on Facebook/Twitter.

   Got checked out by cute girl...Total was $13.92

   wondering if Yoda's last name is Lay-Hee-Hoo

   GOVERNMENT.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot America? (Y/N)?

   "Swag", sounds like something that gathers between my nuts and anus.

   Bernie Sanders is finally going to pay his staff the $15 minimum wage he advocates for. But he's going to reduce their hours. He has proven the point that increasing the minimum wage to $15 will cost people hours and jobs.

   If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway