Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Updating my status in the car. Don't worry, I'm in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the damn cops.

   Justin Beiber's new movie comes out tonight and is already getting oscar buzz for Best Actress in a Comedy

   finally came out of the closet and told my family I'm white. It took a lot of courage on my part, but I felt it was time they understood why I can't jump or dance.

   I bet The Kardashians' have a ton of leftover white meat on Thanksgiving.

   Telling someone that you're going to bed, When you're actually not, and then having to hold back from posting things on Facebook/Twitter.

   Got checked out by cute girl...Total was $13.92

   When I need a friend, you're there.. When I'm lonely, you're there.. When I'm afraid, you're there.. When I need help, you're still there.. Dammit! When the f*ck will you come over here?? You're always there!!

   My date went pretty well last night. I was really attracted to her and sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex for hours. Kinda makes me wonder why didn't I get a taser sooner.

   Women are like steaks. They should be a little thick,really juicy and eaten at least once a week

   wondering if Yoda's last name is Lay-Hee-Hoo

   GOVERNMENT.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot America? (Y/N)?

   "Swag", sounds like something that gathers between my nuts and anus.

   Bernie Sanders is finally going to pay his staff the $15 minimum wage he advocates for. But he's going to reduce their hours. He has proven the point that increasing the minimum wage to $15 will cost people hours and jobs.

   If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway

   I heard the Japanese have invented a camera with a shutter so fast that it can actually photograph a woman with her mouth shut! Isn't that amazing? Before you show your hurt feelings, just keep in mind THIS IS A JOKE, no one can create a camera that FAST

   if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCALATOR = EVERLASTING FUN

   - Hard drive, floppy drive, flash drive, stiffy disk. Who comes up with these names?

   hates people who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

   What do burnt toast and a pregnant woman have in common?... In both cases you'd wished you had pulled out a few seconds earlier.

   Psst. Hey. Europe is asleep. Let's talk sh*t about them.