Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw some drunk guy chasing his shadow down the street screaming "Give me back my wallet."

   Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.

   If you don't like my words, don't listen. If you don't like my appearance, don't look. If you don't like my actions, turn your head; It's as simple as that.

   happier than Richard Simmons running backwards through a cornfield!

   My face is sore from making my angry face all day.

   what does the Vikings football team and the Metradome have in common? They both collapsed under pressure this year

   Spouse: someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

   When a girl says she wants to feel special, DON'T buy her a helmet

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm using my hand, but I'm thinking of you.

   I hate it when I don't know what I'm talking about and you try and correct me!

   My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.

   I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.

   Today's menu: 1 gallon of attitude, 3 cups of sarcasm, 2 tbsp of leave me the hell alone, and a generous cup of shut the feck up!

   Wednesday... As most of you call it Hump day, I like to call it the 3rd Monday of the week.

   I just had 19 beers at Chuck E. Cheese's... and this band is awesome!

   Haha! Some guy told me he doesn’t go down on his girlfriend and she doesn’t complain. I told him it’s because someone else does.

   I should do my own TV series........... Man vs Drink

   At least I have all day sober to Sunday up.....

   I don't care if saying this hurts my reputation:..... The Westboro Baptist Church's tactics are not the best.

   My boobs are nice so I don't have to be.