Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A baby frog just purposely threw himself in front of my lawn mower..... I guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

   (Tiger's Christmas Song) Oh the weather outside is frightful. Having many tramps is so delightful. Just so my hot wife don't know…text a ho, text a ho, text a ho.

   wonders why women spend so much on sunglasses? Wouldn't it be cheaper to tint the kitchen windows.

   When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook status just to freak people out… “hey, who knew they had wi-fi up here?”

   Toy Story must have been written by a woman. Who else would name their toys Woody and Buzz!!

   I apologize for Poking you. Please chill. It's just that I couldn't find the bend over and let me f**k you in the a$$ without a lubricant button.

   The paper shredder will shred Pop-Tarts! I repeat: THE PAPER SHREDDER WILL SHRED POP TARTS!

   I told my blonde sister I slept with a Brazilian man. My sister said," OMG, you're such a slut...how many is a brazillian?"

   ‎"Every kiss begins with Kay." But for second base and beyond, go with Tiffany.

   ROFLSHMSFOAIDMT-Rolling On Floor Laughing So Hard My Sombrero Falls Off And I Drop My Taco...

   here..now what are your other two wishes????

   I just wanted you all to know that I'm leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I've made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I'll miss all of u, but I've decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!

   I don't always poop in a bag but when I do I prefer Carnival!

   If your Facebook picture is a car or your kids I automatically assume you're fat.

   I hope when I get to hell, I'll be the guy that gets picked to torture these Westboro Baptist pricks. That would be Heaven for me!!!

   Notice you don't hear about,"Kony" anymore? Glad everyone cared for like, five minutes.

   OJ Simpson was granted parole today, which means he can FINALLY get back to looking for the guy that murdered his wife.

   My soulmate is probably selling her body for narcotics as we speak.

   Whoa. The house telephone thingy just rang. Couldn't remember what to do so I stopped, dropped and rolled.

   used Tag bodywash this morning and was looking forward to a goodtime before work. Unfortunately, no girls busted through walls or outran cheetahs to ravage me, dammit.