Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to use expensive, illegal substances to blur the lines of reality. Now, I just take off my glasses.

   You ever notice sometimes all day on Wednesday you keep thinking its Thursday? Then when Thursday comes, you're al right again.

   Youtube needs to fix the comment section so you don't need to search through 10 pages to find the start of an argument.

   Go ahead, call the cops, lady. I got ten witnesses that'll say your baby kicked me first.

   Caution: underestimate me at your own risk!

   Prince and Sheena Easton never did tell us who won the World Series of love.

   "Going commando" can refer to not wearing underpants, rescuing Alyssa Milano from terrorists, or preferably both at once.

   Good looks are so important when choosing a doctor.

   Art imitates life. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Flattery will get you nowhere. So GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ART DEGREE!

   "Don't touch me there!" Something I like to yell as I exit the doctors office into the waiting room.

   People in Arkansas are curious if this health plan is going to cover tooth whitening.

   When I'm in a public bathroom stall and someone knocks on the door, I like to whisper, "lemme see the drugs first." You'd be surprised how quiet it gets.

   Mothers, out of the 300 guys you're friends with on Facebook, I can guarantee not even 1 of them wants to see a picture of your baby.

   I'm going to start wearing Summer's Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to d*uches

   Rest in Peace Sheriff Taylor.. You will be remembered and loved.

   Me and Megan Fox are fighting again.. I hate this..

   Just remember ladies, if nice guys finish last, that means you came first.

   Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she's pregnant.

   No clue when this weed I found in my bathroom drawer is from, but based on these intense cravings for an Orange Julius, I'd say 1988 or so.

   uncertain of what the etiquette is here, I got Kim Jong Il's name in Secret Santa.