Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not even 10 o'clock and I've already used up all my "give a crap" for the day.

   Thanks for the passive aggressive facebook status about me, but I'm taking the passively passive approach by not caring.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary, its the stupid ones that need the advice..

   i can outsmart a lot of ppl on a computer...it's the real world that makes me look like an idiot

   I've got a pretty good pre-rapture music mix going: "End of the World as We Know It," "Disco Apocalypse" and, of course, "Stairway to Heaven." Any other suggestions?

   If something I said can be interpreted two ways, and one way makes you sad or angry...I meant the OTHER way...

   going to go out on a limb here...I think there is a very good possibility Gaddafi just might be the one on hallucinogenic drugs...just sayin!

   "an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, nestled in a sesame seed bun of mystery."

   I've always wonder who came up with the phrase "sh!ts and giggles", because the two have always been mutually exclusive for me....

   Speaking in a reasonable voice doesn't make your argument reasonable.

   Its Friday, Anything worth doing is worth doing weird.

   Saw a beautiful set of teeth in Walmart tonight. Unfortunately they weren't all in the same mouth.

   They told me I can catch more flies with honey than with vingar. I said "I can catch even more with manure, whats the point?"

   I always thought someone coughing all day got right on my nerves. It appears I was wrong, it's actually someone sniffing

   Nothing says you will be in a bad mood all day like not having enough sleep. And by "not having enough sleep" I mean getting out of bed.

   After seeing Miley Cyrus' raunchy VMA performance last night, I don't feel so bad about perving on her leaked p0rn0.

   I'll make you feel good for a few seconds and then remind you how single you are after. - masturbation

   I'm going to make a plethora of bad decisions today to help cover up the plethora of bad decisions I made yesterday.

   Big ass sunglasses do a pretty good job of hiding the ugly.

   The big twist at the end of our lives,, Is that Pluto really was a planet the WHOLE TIME...