Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, nestled in a sesame seed bun of mystery."

   I've always wonder who came up with the phrase "sh!ts and giggles", because the two have always been mutually exclusive for me....

   Speaking in a reasonable voice doesn't make your argument reasonable.

   Its Friday, Anything worth doing is worth doing weird.

   Saw a beautiful set of teeth in Walmart tonight. Unfortunately they weren't all in the same mouth.

   They told me I can catch more flies with honey than with vingar. I said "I can catch even more with manure, whats the point?"

   I always thought someone coughing all day got right on my nerves. It appears I was wrong, it's actually someone sniffing

   Nothing says you will be in a bad mood all day like not having enough sleep. And by "not having enough sleep" I mean getting out of bed.

   After seeing Miley Cyrus' raunchy VMA performance last night, I don't feel so bad about perving on her leaked p0rn0.

   I'll make you feel good for a few seconds and then remind you how single you are after. - masturbation

   I'm going to make a plethora of bad decisions today to help cover up the plethora of bad decisions I made yesterday.

   Big ass sunglasses do a pretty good job of hiding the ugly.

   The big twist at the end of our lives,, Is that Pluto really was a planet the WHOLE TIME...

   The only reason I don’t cheat is because I’m lazy. It’s too much work losing arguments to one woman already.

   If I offend anybody tonight I apologize in advance, it's not my intention. I'm not gonna guess what your personal line of decency is. I cross my own from time to time, it's how I know I still have one...

   Everything happens for a reason. That's why I drink to everything!

   If you tell me to "grow up" I will point at your shirt and flick your nose with my finger when you look down.

   Romney thinks he should be able to pull up to other Gulfstreams, roll down window and ask for Grey Poupon

   To my American friends 9/11 will never be forgotten. ... much like 7/11/95 to my countrymen in Bosnia...RiP to all 8.980 that lost their lives in Srebrenica massacer and may God be with their families

   Hey person that always has to make a comment that ruins my status, f*ck off! You're just jealous that I came up with a better status than you.