Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.

   So would the ACLU defend me if I protested and burned down ACLU headquarters?

   Why would a woman come with instructions? Have you ever seen a man read instructions?

   Never make a decision when you are angry and never promise when you are fornicating.

   Just found a message in a bottle..... It read,, "Whatever you do, just don't tell Sting where I am."

   Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.

   The popularity of Congress is at an all-time low, according to a recent poll that says Americans like head lice more than they like Congress. But you know, I think the real story here is that some Americans like head lice.

   I'm always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

   This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.

   I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally... just that I'm at the liquor store.

   My cell phone battery dies faster than a mother in a Disney movie.

   Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.

   That was not the first time Tiger's bone popped out and he had to put it back to avoid further damage.

   In hell, you're served sugar free jam on burnt gluten free toast with decaf coffee.

   If you line up all your ex's in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness.

   Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel,,, and misinterpret other peoples intent.

   f people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?

   I think the part of the whole sexting craze that gives me the greatest sense of outrage is the part where I'm not involved in it at all.

   You know sh*ts about to go down when someone says, "hold my beer & watch this",..

   I'm not fat, I'm kidnap proof