Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are there any workout programs that target the face? You really need one of those.

   I'm not hiding anything... but stop looking at my phone while I'm texting.

   ahhh! The life of an overworked Zombie

   Some of the ugliest faces in this world hide behind a 12 pack of beer

   Nothing makes you feel more like a kid than the right breakfast cereal.

   Without fail, any movie sequel that does not have the same actors as the first movie will be terrible. Every time. I don't know why they bother.

   have you noticed that all ugly people say, beauty is within and all rich people say, money don't buy you happiness ;)

   Love don't cost a thing." Except a lot of tears, a broken heart, and wasted years.

   I wanna be a workaholic.. but workahol tastes like sh!t

   Does that miracle weight loss program that made you lose 4 pant sizes come with a new wardrobe 4 sizes smaller....No? Then I can't afford it....

   getting poked on facebook by one of your friends is one thing, but getting poked by a family member is where I draw the line

   Wants an app called PHARMville, so she can send notes to her friends like "really needing valuim or heavy narcotics soon"

   wonders if the local Palm Reader that went out of business saw it coming?

   Note to self: After applying Icy Hot, make sure to wash hands before going to the bathroom!!

   When the patient was asked if he had had a good night he answered that he'd slept as soundly as the nurse on night duty.

   if I sneeze and you're sitting next to me, it is acceptable to bless me. If I sneeze and you're 50 feet across the room from me, no need to shout at me unless you're the pope."

   Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

   Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.

   "Well done, son. I'm very appointed in you." "Appointed?" "Opposite of disappointed." "You mean proud?" "Let's not get carried away, kiddo."

   Just once I'd like to see a Congressman resign by saying, "I regret everything but the blow jobs. They were awesome."