Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let's hope they don't hire Steve Harvey to announce who our next president will be.

   Last night I lost my mood ring....I'm not sure how I feel about that.

   Awaiting Mitt Romney news conference where he'll say Trump's prints were found on newly-discovered OJ Simpson knife....

   Rest in Peace Prince

   By 2050, four out of every five Americans will be a Duggar...

   I didn't have any girl to spoil for Christmas this year so my bank balance is looking healthy.

   Today, the Apple iPad turns five years old. So it's official. The iPad is as old as the people who make it.

   Finger Prints on Super Bowl Trophy to be used in dozens of criminal investigations

   I’m about to eat gas station breakfast.....tell my family that I love them.

   My daughter answered every one of Dora's questions wrong and Dora still said, "good answer!". Good to see Mexico's education system is still on track.

   Fell down the stairs today. Counting it as a workout

   I haven't vacuumed since two thousand and Facebook .

   My signature move is to slightly caress my wife for 4 months until one day she sighs deeply then seductively calls out "fine, just hurry up"

   seriously bothered, one of my socks just keeps sinking into my shoe like it’s ashamed of being seen with me in public.

   I got some new underwear. Well, new to me

   Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?

   Boobs are nature's antidepressants.

   In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.

   Jay Carney steps down as White House press secretary to rejoin Weezer.

   I can tell by the way you keep snapping your gum in my ear that you really don't value your life at all.