Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!

   I just plugged in a USB cord on the first try. Some lucky lady is in for a treat tonight.

   When an old enemy cannot harm you, they'll try to become your friend so they can destroy you.

   My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together. I sh!t you knot.

   "Yep, I definitely have Herpes." -least stolen Facebook Status update, probably.

   My hamster died today. He fell asleep at the wheel.

   Chicken Pot Pie my 3 favorite things!

   You can unfollow me on Twitter, unfriend me on Facebook, take down all our Instagram pics, and ignore all my texts, but you will never be able to unlick my butthole.

   I'm smart enough to know the markets clearly see the Biden/Harris administration is working to inhibit U.S. oil production, which has the effect of tightening the global market. Stopping the pipeline reinforced that belief. 45 was right.

   Only in America - do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front of the store

   just bought a new game for my x box, its about a black man who drives around crashing cars sleeping with hoes and fighting with people, its called tiger woods PGA tour 2010

   So the women of facebook are ## weeks and craving ???? . . the # relates to the month they were born, and the craving is the date (secret emails) . supposed to raise awareness for cancer, only this it makes me aware of is how sneaky women are

   Whats the difference between Justin Bieber And a Snickers bar? A snIckers bar has nuts.

   I would totally vote for Herman Cain but only if he introduces himself at the next debate by singing... ♪♪ Here I am!! Rock you like a Herman Cain!! ♪♪

   you know....they say one in every four men are gay....so there must be one in my group of friends.....I hope it's Michael, 'cuz he's super cute....

   I've been dating a homeless women recently, and I think it's getting serious. She asked me to move out with her.

   Pringles should make their containers like a Push-Pop

   Drop and iphone on the floor: break the screen. Drop an old Nokia on the floor: break the floor

   punched the devil in the face today :D or a kid in a costume, either way that motherfucker learnt not to come to my house asking for lollies :)

   Love means sharing your thoughts, your fears, your dreams, your hopes, your pin codes and passwords.