Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.

   "Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid. "Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.

   Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts website and type, '121G' in the search bar. You will thank me later.

   I’d rather see a woman who smoked a joint represent the USA in the Olympics than one who turns her back on the flag. I said what I said.

   People that get, “the most votes in history” don’t raid their opponent’s homes. But election stealers do.

   You can’t say that President Trump hasn’t Tweeted you well.

   Unless you woke up inside a live shark, I don't want to hear about your weekend.

   Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.

   Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed

   A cop pulled me over and was going to give me a ticket for talking on the phone and driving. I told him he couldn't do that because it was my wife and I was just listening.

   Sure,, Sure,, I could kill you with kindness,, but let’s see what else is just lying around I can use first.

   Ask your Dr. if you're healthy enough for sex and if that goes well, ask them if they're seeing anyone.

   I can’t wait for the day when all the DJ Khaled fans turn 30 years old. Music today absolutely blows and he’s the leader. Just because you can push a button and yell a random phrase like “go n get it” does not make you an artist.

   How come today is Monday when yesterday was only Friday??

   At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking.

   In China, forklifts are called chop-stick lifts.

   wondering what Captain Hook's name was before he lost his hand.

   Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that's what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)

   Trump has decided to build a wall around the FBI Building.

   I want to be elected president, learn the truth about aliens, and then resign.