Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it illegal to put "avenge my death" in your will

   Scientists remain baffled as to why the people on the internet really like pictures of cats and cats doing things.

   My hamster died today,he fell asleep at the wheel..

   usually if ur driving behind a person who has a TAPOUT sticker on the of back of their car window... chances are they are a huge pu$$y !

   I'm not cranky, I just have a violent reaction to stupid people.

   Don't wash your car on Friday……It always rains satellites when you wash your car.

   When I got to the part of the job application that asked, "How much money per hr/per yr" I wrote "How much ya got?" because I didn't wanna' sound greedy...

   I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.

   Love and be loved, Smile and be smiled upon .. no good has ever came from a bitter heart.

   With all these toys in the world, people choose "feelings" to play with.

   It appears my back was made for stabbing

   Telling a child to sit in the corner and think about what they've done is not a punishment: all it does is give the child time to come up with a better plan for next time.

   Everyone was so quick to point out the obvious typo in my "Meating in the conference room" email.... until I pelted them with bologna.

   Why is it when deer decide to commit suicide they always choose my car as the weapon of choice!? :/

   Its not a typo if you don't know how to spell the word.

   Losing friends and alienating people, one day at a time!

   Facebook: All the people you didn't like from high school- now with pictures of their kids!

   It's weird that my neighbors won't let me borrow their keys & make a copy of them in case I need to clean their house while they're asleep.

   How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren't even trying.

   "Where are we going... and why are we in a hand basket?" ~ Me... when I die.