Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?

   You say, "I think we should see other people" like I haven't been doing so ever since we started dating.

   Find someone who will change your life, not just your relationship status.

   After today, it looks like the only chance Michael Phelps has at seeing gold is pissing in the pool.

   I just found human hairs in my McDonald's burger. When did they start using natural ingredients?

   Cat burglars commit daring robberies with stealthy skills, while kitten burglars are so cute people just give them stuff.

   Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

   I'm glad that "worchestershire" isn't a word we have to use everyday! I would appear retarded.

   Whatever I did to make you hate me, I'd like to know. I have other people I can use that on.

   Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.

   Lamar Odom has been missing for 3 days. Guess he couldn't keep up with the Kardashians.

   At my funeral, I want a homie to adjust my junk one last time. I'm not gonna rest peacefully if my balls are pinched between my legs.

   Meanwhile, in Iran, shock as traces of beef are found in camel meat.

   I read quantum physics magazines for the particles.

   Dear Youtube, I can deal with Ads. I can deal with Buffer. But when Ads Buffer, I suffer!

   Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.

   "Why is it that if a girl has sex with more than one guy she's a slut but if a guy has sex with more than one girl he's a legend?" The guy replies "If a lock can be opened by more than one key it's useless but if a key can open many locks its a master key

   When I was a kid I wanted a pet giraffe & a working lightsaber, but then I found out about boobs

   I don't have anything against your religion, as long as you don't come knocking on my door to tell me about it.

   knows he was unwanted as a child when he found his bath toys were a radio and a toaster!