Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not an economist, but I think I could make a lot of money selling drugs.

   I don't care how awesome your cat is, you're just someone with a box full of $hit in your house.

   Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.

   to honor thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning

   My boss told me to have a good day so I went home. He must really want me to have a good time because he called and said don't come in tomorrow.

   Dear Life...Would you at least start using lubricant....

   After getting an astronomical quote from my mechanic, I am going to try the ABS challenge. That's where I drive my car without anti lock breaks, until someone donates for me to get it fixed!

   went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn't find any

   Realized I’ve never seen gloves in someone’s glove compartment, and now nothing makes sense anymore

   I'm not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"

   I'm surprised the back of soy milk cartons don't have missing hipster children.

   I'm white, but I'm not 'buy a Christmas gift for the Mailman' white.

   I post political status on Facebook just to watch my friends battle each other like it's The Crips Vs Bloods...

   Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck

   Boil an egg and put in on a plate in front of a kid and they will gag... Color it blue and put stripes on it and hide it in the sand box and they will fist fight over it..

   I love Easter. My unborn children get to play find the egg tonight.

   I like to ask the waiter, "What do you recommend?" then stare him down while I order something completely different.

   How come Italian's don't like Jehovah witnesses?They don't like any witnesses.

   Just stole Santas naughty girl list! Amazingly its almost identical to my friends list.

   Santa wants to know if you have been naughty or nice this year... And if you were naughty, did you video it???