Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   8yrs ago my wife decided to keep me when nobody else would. I bet she regrets that at least every other day. I definitely got the better half of the deal. Happy Anniversary Honey. Love you lots. And a special thanks to you, Facebook for reminding me;)

   My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyway.

   If lesbians aren't attracted to men, why are they attracted to women that look like men?

   When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.

   What does the Michael Jackson action figure have written on the back of the box? Not suitable for children. Colors may vary.

   At first notice, the word "Diputseromneve" looks quite ridiculous. However, if you read it backwards its even more stupid.

   Bought a cheese grater for a blind friend... He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.

   the only reason Kanye likes Kim's ass all oiled up is because he can see his own reflection in it.

   how come no matter how prepared you are for your toast popping up you still get a shock?

   ..a recent survey shows that 9 out of 10 men prefer big boobs. The 10th man just prefers the other 9 men.

   Do you realise that in 40 years time,there will be alot of old ladies walking around with tatoos

   Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.

   I hope hurricane Irene takes care of "Jersey Shore"... Permanently!

   No matter what you can do, no matter how talented you are, no matter how amazing and unique that talent may be, somewhere in the world an Asian kid can do it better.

   Sorry used to mean that you won't do it again. Today it just means "I fcked up but I might do it again."

   i slept on the couch last night, because when my wife asked me why I go to the gym so much. I'm thinking because I wanna look good if we get divorced was not the correct responce.

   Don't confuse Facebook with your diary. We really don't need to know some of your personal sh*t.

   We have a lot of children living on our street, so I try to caution speeders by bouncing an old tricycle off their windshield

   Irish I was a little bit taller, Irish I was a baller. Irish I had a girl who looked good I would call her.

   The problem with America today is if you rob a bank, you have to bring your own sacks with “$” on them.