Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."

   Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don't quote me on that.

   Bumper sticker: Sorry for driving so close in front of you...

   D*ck Head is Back , Great time to take few days off till someone blocks him again.

   Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you'll love my farts.

   A picture is worth a thousand words. Yours just says “slut” a thousand times in a row

   These people on my Facebook aren't really friends, just more of a wish list of people I want to sleep with

   If young girls ruled the world there would be no wars. They would be too busy obsessing about Twilight and Justin beiber to do anything violent.

   I've forgotten how to "hang out" with people if alcohol isn't involved.

   Creaking floorboards have been known to ruin the plans of thousands of teenagers.

   Pregnancy Test: The magic wand that can make a man disappear.

   *teacher textes student* "dear student, I know you're texting. no one would be looking a their crotch and smiling"

   thinks that anytime a conversation goes silent, you can always start it back up by slapping someones forehead and saying, "Shoulda had a V8".

   Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

   Say what you want about drunk people, but at least they've had all their shots.

   I woke up last Friday to find a letter from West Africa in my e-mail. Saturday morning, there was one from Nigeria and today, there was one from Jamacia. I have the feeling I am being black mailed....

   Employees caught speaking Spanish will be paid in Pesos.

   thinking Robin Hood was a Democrat.

   I didn't trip, I just attacked the floor with my mad ninja skills.

   When a girl tells you you're not getting any, before you ask, before you even try, you're getting some