Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Ex texted me: "I Miss You..." So I replied: "We're sorry, the subscriber you are trying to reach doesn't give a f***.......

   When Ellen DeGeneres gives away an automobile on her show she should call the segment "What Would You Do for a Blonde Dyke's Car?"

   If the NBA really wanted me to watch, they'd be play Football instead!!

   A good rule of thumb is, if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.

   If a little kid gives you a high 5 and you don't pretend like they broke your hand, you're doing life wrong.

   Last night I jerked off so good that when I woke up my D!ck was in the kitchen making breakfast

   Easy Bake Oven, Teaching Girls Their Place Since 1963

   going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

   Tried to watch the World Cup....Why does it sound like there is a pi$$ed off swarm of hornets at every game????

   This Halloween, the only Candy I'm interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues

   Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.

   Dear Scotland, if you choose to go it alone we dont want drunken texts in a few months time saying what a huge mistake it was. Yours England

   A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.

   Coffee so black,, it's boycotting the Oscars.

   Robert Kardashian was OJ Simpson's lawyer....thus began the family tradition of getting black men off.

   If you don't die at the end of your Facebook movie, I'm not interested.

   Haters are like crickets… they make a lot of noise, you can hear them, but you can't see them… when you walk right by them, they suddenly get quiet.

   5 minutes into America's Got Talent and I learned we don't have talent, we have a bunch of delusional idiots that don't want real jobs.

   Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"?

   Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.