Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A lawnmower is like a man. You either have to push it or ride it if you expect to get any work out of it.

   Good lord I'd hate to see what Canadians do if they lose in curling!

   likes girls for their hearts. Their big, bouncy, jiggly hearts.

   Tonight at 11: A channel 3 exclusive - How a dangerous game of peekaboo sent two children to the ICU.

   I respect whoever allowed women into the military. Girl on period + gun = unstoppable.

   Million dollar idea: Chocolate Nerds called Urkels.

   Guys - A few words of wisdom...when a woman asks for your opinion, she doesn't want to hear your "actual" opinion, she simply wants to hear her opinion in a deeper voice.

   Every sentence is a sexual innuendo if you think long and hard about it.

   Grammar: The difference between feeling you're nuts, and feeling your nuts.

   It is already December 21, 2012 in Australia and nothing happened.

   Whatever happend to Sex, Drugs , & Rock & Roll, Now we just have AIDS ,CRACK And Techno

   watched several people 'ducking' while running through the rain tonight ... does that really help?

   Its so cold, if you suck on an ice cube it gets bigger.

   Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

   According to a new report,women who have had breast implants get spells of dizziness,blurred vision & slurred speech. This is because of the amount of alcohol bought for them.

   There are easier things in life than finding a good man... like nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.

   Sign of the times! Honey come quick, my kids and your kids are beating up our kids.

   I've just ordered personalized license plates that say, "BAA BAA" They should look awesome on my black jeep. O_o

   If you prefer a particular brand of bottled water, you should be sent away to a special camp.

   Marijuana is the gateway drug to a very large value meal.