Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd like to see the tambourine make a roaring comeback into modern music.

   I can have hundreds and hundreds of friends on facebook, but that won't stop me from saying "WTF!?" when that number goes down by one...

   Boy: I wear the pants in this relationship. Girl: yah but I control the damn zipper.

   This girl last night claimed that she'd rather perform oral sex on a diseased monkey than go out with me. Well, she's in luck, 'cause I've got a friend who works at the zoo, and he owes me one...

   If you don't audibly fart when you're getting a security patdown at the airport, the terrorists win.

   Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.

   If I were homeless, I'd stand in front of other homeless dudes and hold a sign that says "He's lying."

   All TVs should come with a brick to throw at it when the Wendy Williams show comes on

   Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

   If your friends aren't making fun of you, they're not really your friends.

   Gift cards are still the best way to say "I'm too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you'll buy drugs if I give you cash."

   Funny how people seem to call when I'm away from my desk. It's probably because I walk away from my desk when the phone rings.

   stopped paying on a storage unit full of empty boxes marked grandmas secret stash..let the auctions begin

   Renée Zellweger always looks like she's trying to find the image in a magic eye picture.

   Women have an amazing gift of making you feel wrong for being right.

   thinks that If I were a Jedi, I'd have long frizzy hair, red leather pants, and lots of attitude.. and I'd go by Obi-wan Bon Jovi

   I hate looking for a job almost as much I hate not having a job almost as much as I hate working. It's complicated.

   Sorry, strippers. When I want a woman to pretend she likes me I'll go visit my mom.

   I'm fluent in three languages: English, Sarcasm, and Profanity. 

   Dear women of Jersey Shore, You're making me look bad. Sincerely, Orange.