Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Miley Cyrus can't stop, but she really should.

   I refuse to engage in any sort of drama on Facebook. I'm here to escape that in real life.

   Being nice to the people you don't like isn't called two faced, its called growing up

   gotta check the mail box but I'm standing at the door naked thinking I can make it and back witout being caught....he goes nothing..really

   No more wasting time with feeling sorry for myself; no more depression; time to rise up and fight back!

   It's alright, he's only choking!

   watching his weight.... go up and up

   says I will reveal a new status update tonight @ 9pm (CST)....... Sorry Lebron James for taking the spotlight from your announcement at the same time on ESPN....

   Well, the Mayans were close-- Oprah goes off the air in 2011.

   You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"

   - I've had so many f**king blind dates recently....I should be eligible to a free dog...

   I am one beer away from another beer.

   HELL YEAH, PAYDAY! I'm going to buy so many taxes.

   You may think I'm dumb but you over estimate me.

   I may not know karate but I do know crazy.

   Shouldn't they be called salt and pepper shakees? I do all the work and they get all the credit. I'm the f*cking shaker!

   Okay so who really has the boardwalk piece from McDonalds??

   It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

   I must be some kind of food magician because every time I bite into a hard shelled taco I instantly have a hand full of nacho's.

   I have been working in a mirror factory for years now. It's what I've always seen myself doing.