Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Go deep throat a cactus.

   Celebrating today's unemployment news is like getting excited about all the open tables in the Titanic's dining room, the media appears to be pretending the unemployment rate dropped for some reason other than holiday seasonal staffing.

   The supreme court is just like regular court but with sour cream.

   I'll complain about the government invading my privacy,Right after I'm done telling you where I am and what I'm doing on Facebook, and as soon as I post this picture of what I'm eating on Instagram.

   Kindness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.

   Guys... Controlling your woman when she is mad is easy... Just tell her she's overreacting. She will then realize you're right and calm right down.

   How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?

   A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”

   The Kardashians turned Scott into an alcoholic, Lamar into a crackhead, and Bruce into a woman. I can't wait to see what they do to Kanye...

   A Man who treats his lady like a Princess was surely brought up in teh hands of a QUEEN!

   Life may not always give us chances, but it always gives us choices.

   Someday I hope to solve one of the great mysteries of life, like where do socks go when you put them into the dryer?

   That awkward moment when you want to buy something, check the price and sadly, leave it there.

   for more info on lung cancer, keep smoking..

   I was just reading the bible and it came to my attention that is is the man's job to make the coffee in the morning... HeBrews

   Love is like your shadow...the more steps you make towards it the further it moves away from you...but yet it follows you around your whole life.

   I am actually looking forward to the rapture....To all the women who told me "I wouldn't sleep with you unless you were the last man on earth" Look out ladies here I come!

   Its gotta suck to be a band like Heart and have your hit songs be on commercials like Swiffer dust and mop

   Had a dream last night. I knew it was a dream immediately because the therapist agreed with me, the ex apologized, and I was wearing pants.

   Good Morning America challenged everyone to remove any article of clothing they were wearing that wasn't made in America. I was shocked by the results, but not as shocked as the people standing around me in Best Buy.