Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

   In case you missed the State of the Union address, let me sum it up for you, gay soldiers will win the future by riding high speed trains to salmon farms.

   heard practice at Cowboy Stadium was delayed 2 hrs after a player reported finding a white powdery substance on the ground. After a complete analysis, Dallas CSI forensic experts determined the white substance, unfamiliar to the players, was the goal line

   Some women need to walk around with a stripper pole to match their outfit.

   Speak English or get off here.... (for below)

   To those who worry about haters I say: You will never reach your DESTINATION if you keep stopping to throw stones at every dog that barks at you.

   The sales of sexbots have been skyrocketing. I wonder if they make an underage one? That's gonna be the hot seller among Hollywood and Democrats.

   Why is driving so hard for some people? I mean, its like coloring! All you do is stay between the f*cking lines!

   Things you should never do after a breakup: 1. Listen to love songs. 2. Read old messages 3. Read their statuses, tweets or updates.

   I almost got raped in jail. My family takes monopoly very seriously.

   My niece asked me, who is that ugly girl on American Idol? I said her name is Steven Tyler

   I was just thinking, what if car bumpers were filled with candy so if you got in a car crash, it would explode like a piñata. " Sorry 'bout the crash, but look free candy!!!"

   i think I need glasses....everywhere I look people have two faces

   Eagles give Vick $100M, 6-year contract. That is $700M, 42-year contract in dog years...

   If you're only interested in me when I'm ignoring you, I'm about to become irresistible.

   The problem with you is that you damn exist.

   Lesson Of The Day: Watch who you eat ribs with.

   If you see someone using a payphone, there is a 97% chance you can buy drugs from them.

   'What would I do without you?' is such a stupid question to ask. Because all I need to do is what I was doing before you came along and complicated my existence.

   Hold boobs not grudges.