Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.

   The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.

   If I'm ever in a coma, promise me you'll slip pizza into my IV.

   Men that wear Crocs have seen every episode of 'Keeping up with the Kardashians'

   I think, therefore I drink.

   In honor of the 25th anniversary of Tim Burton's Batman, a gentle reminder that his batmobile required a grappling hook to make a left turn.

   I have a life outside the internet. But not on purpose.

   "Aggrevation", "Sorry", "Trouble", "Outburst". I think Hasboro knows my relationships.

   Mariah and Nick announced their split. In other news, no one gives a $hit...

   Play Closing Time at my funeral because it's likely I died trying to change the radio station when it came on.

   How about A public washroom so nice,, that you don't have to flush the toilet with your foot.

   Dear Mom & Dad,,,Summer Camp looks a lot like a WalMart parking lot.. Also,, Is it usually six months long?... Love Billy

   I want to hold you till the end of time. Or until I have to pee. Or whichever comes first.

   its funny how I know the name of a mayor from canada but not the prime minister.

   Always believe a woman when she says, "you don't really wanna know"

   Not judging at all, but if you have a mullet in your commercial, you might want to update your advertising.

   Manager claims OJ Simpson could be Khloe Kardashian's father. And I thought this family couldn't get any more dysfunctional.

   I don't need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.

   Sorry I slow-clapped your breakup, couple sitting at the table next to me.

   I don't understand why people say only men are visual creatures. A woman will spot a rich man & she will see herself leaving your broke ass.