Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 146 of 6370
I asked the librarian for the latest book on erectile dysfunction! She clattered her computer keyboard and said.."It's not coming up!"...I said.."Yeah!...that's the one!!
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08-03-2017 09:41 by Trueman
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The worst part of working for the Department of Unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.
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08-19-2017 11:24 by SEAN
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I wish I could match my dog's excitement to go outside.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it'll still be stationery.
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09-29-2017 09:10
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If you’re a security guard at Samsung does that make you a Guardian if the galaxies ?
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10-08-2017 11:07 by Jon🦌
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I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.
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10-15-2017 00:19 by markf
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Don't worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. You should worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving. Have a Happy Thanksgiving. :-)
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11-19-2018 14:13 by Pilgrim
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In honor of Charles Dickens I am also going to be poor this Christmas
Anyone here with one leg? I have a ton of socks you can have.
I recently bought a toilet brush. To make a long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.
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05-10-2019 11:46
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5 year olds can't bring milk, eggs or peanuts to school these days but they can bring the measles...
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05-28-2019 20:48
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This morning My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
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06-11-2019 06:45
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Besides my good looks, honesty, charm, witty personality and my incredible sense of humor I have to say that my greatest characteristic is my modesty.
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06-16-2019 14:29 by Moon
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Just because you lost me as a friend doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. I still want to see you eat, just not at my table.
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06-17-2019 16:53
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No need for me to storm Area 51... I've been to Walmart...
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07-19-2019 10:06 by Gabe
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Everyone seems so normal until you become Facebook friends with them.
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08-15-2019 20:56
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Bought some pre-tangled Christmas lights to save some time this year.
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12-19-2019 07:08
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Pro Tip: If you make a sex tape, make sure it plays Disney music in the background. That way, if it gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.
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10-10-2019 11:59
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I miss those days when I would sneeze and someone would politely say, "Bless You" now they run the other way.
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03-04-2020 06:02
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We Just bought 12 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
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03-28-2020 12:37
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