Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am having a weird day, first I found a hat full of money, then I got chased by a guy with a guitar.

   You want a traditional thanksgiving? The CDC recommends you eat outside like a pilgrim this year

   “Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN” -Costco.

   United Airlines just released their new frequent flyer app. Easy to use, too. It's all drag and drop.

   Man I am beat! Feel like I just flew on United

   Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.

   I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.

   When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think "What would my grandfather do?" Then I leave home in my underwear and shout at random strangers.

   Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn't think so.

   Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.

   I asked the librarian for the latest book on erectile dysfunction! She clattered her computer keyboard and said.."It's not coming up!"...I said.."Yeah!...that's the one!!

   The worst part of working for the Department of Unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

   I wish I could match my dog's excitement to go outside.

   No matter how much you push the envelope - it'll still be stationery.

   If you’re a security guard at Samsung does that make you a Guardian if the galaxies ?

   I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.

   Bought some pre-tangled Christmas lights to save some time this year.

   Pro Tip: If you make a sex tape, make sure it plays Disney music in the background. That way, if it gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

   I miss those days when I would sneeze and someone would politely say, "Bless You" now they run the other way.

   We Just bought 12 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.