Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel like I hit rock bottom...bouncer at the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night.

   the one they are referring to when they say "there's one in every crowd..."

   I'm silent by default but put me with someone I'm comfortable with and I'll never shut up.

   Frustration is when you bought a new boomerang and notice that you can not throw away the old one

   BABY MAMA has replaced the word "WIFE"

   "I have 37 pairs of shoes, 23 purses, 9 pairs of sunglasses & an overflowing closet but how dare you waste $200 on that stupid toy!" - Women

   It's normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.

   I may forgive, but rarely forget. Ok, sometimes the details get hazy but otherwise I'm like a skinny elephant with some serious suspicions.

   John Mayer is wearing a sofa from 1972.

   Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?

   Enjoying a Harlem shamrock shake

   The most fascinating thing I remember from my childhood is the amount of people Coolio fit into his trunk that day he went on a Fantastic Voyage.

   I'm not sure if Internet p@rn has really ruined any relationships but I'm sure it's ruined some keyboards.

   I’m not surprised you’re having problems I had a bad experience with your reality once too.

   A woman calling you "bro" is a pretty clear sign that it's time to put your pen*s back in your pants.

   My cat keeps bugging me for an Instagram account so he can show you his bowl of cat-food......... Every day

   DIVORCE: From first date to court date; you never see it coming.

   I'm pretty intelligent if you ask me and only me.

   Scientist believe that coworkers are the main reason why humans developed middle fingers.

   When I see a parent who doesn't give in to their kids tantrum,,, I want to give them the medal of valor