Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never get too excited when someone you haven't talked to in a while calls you... they will most likely start with small talk to try and cover up the favor they're about to ask you.

   Instead of a holiday letter summarizing all I've done this year, I'm going to print out all my Facebook status updates and stuff them in the cards... much easier.

   Peter Griffin is clearly half Irish and half Ballchinian.

   Ke$ha, Why dont you clean your face before you make a ''music'' video?

   In Vegas, Charlie Sheen was hanging out with 3 porn stars.. Good to see he's trying to cut back.

   Missed the golden globes...My life is over... Now I only have 20 other award ceremoniess to watch that pertain to the same thing.

   Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

   One typo and suddenly I was late waxing up for work this morning!

   Knowledge is power... and I see a lot of weakness.

   Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

   You know you're from ________when you play Spin The Bottle on family game night.

   Free samples shouldn't be limited to ice cream stores. How can I be sure this fifth of Vodka is worth the 6 dollars without a quick chug?

   tried to sell myself on Craigslist...now I'm "Censored."

   Of course I like you! What do you think this is? Facebook?

   Marriage is an institution. You also have to be committed to it. If that doesn't sound like a nuthouse I don't know what does.

   How can anybody call themselves a Life Coach when they haven't even played a whole game yet?

   thinks that if plungers could talk, you wouldn't own one.

   spending time entertaining facebookians by writing funny status's instead of doing work

   It may be a sign we're winning the war on terror when the Taliban take credit for a guy who tried to make a bomb out of fireworks...

   College: Producing the most educated alcoholics since 1892.