Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After lots of research I've come to a conclusion that women live longer than men to make up for the wasted time trying to park.

   Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .

   Wishing all my friends a joyous, happy, and prosperous New Year. (If retail stores can jump the gun....)

   The Redskins traded three 1st round picks and a 2nd round pick to get RGIII. All he has done this year is "Subway" commercials....maybe they save face and trade him for acouple of $5 footlongs

   Remember it didn't start with gas chambers, it started with politicians dividing the people with "us vs. them". It started with intolerance & hate speech and when people stopped caring, became desensitized and turned a blind eye. This is America in 2016.

   “Try to fathom the hypocrisy of a Government that requires every citizen to prove they are insured... but not prove they are a citizen.”

   I love you weirdos. I don't care if you're not accepted by the outside world or your own families.

   Alright people,I want to see jokes during the game. I have people that think I'm funny!

   You don't have to be a proctologist to know an @$$h0le when you see one.

   My bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft

   *At Vision Center. Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see? Me: Well, I'd like to be able to see all of them. Ummm, that's why I'm here.

   Well about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie

   Some women scream when they try clothes on in fitting rooms, but that's probably because they weren't expecting to see me in there.

   FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't" is not really a good defense in court

   the world didn't end today?!?! Boy do I have a lot Christmas shopping to do now!

   Either the world didn't end, or heaven looks a lot like my apartment.

   I am not homeless but alot of homeless things happend to me.

   I use to wonder what'd it be like to read other people's minds....I got Facebook and now I am over it!!

   Never let failure get to your heart and never let success get to your head.

   I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet... I get hungry.