Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remembers the days when editing a photo involved for scissors and tape...

   My brain returns to its default settings every ten minutes.

   I wish running scenarios through my mind burned calories.

   What is a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum

   Fire hazards are never a good thing. Except maybe in golf. That would be awesome.

   This year, I'm thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.

   Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...

   I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.

   A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.

   Just overheard someone say they need an "escape goat" for their project & I can't decide if they're a complete idiot or an evil genius.

   People who pronounce ASAP with the individual letters aren’t pronouncing it as soon as possible

   Oh,, and BTW,,,, Earth day is just another made up holiday to sell more earths

   I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won’t have to talk to them.

   My life is loosely based on a true story.

   Making fun of dinosaurs to a paleontologist is a great way to get jurasskicked.

   Kraft is recalling more than a million cases of cottage cheese because they weren’t stored at the right temperature. Isn’t that how you MAKE cottage cheese?

   I judge you by your coffee. Skinny soy latte with hazelhut. Wears stockings under his pants.

   Don’t try calling me back after you miss my call. I make 3 calls a year. You blew it.

   Fun thing to do # 86 Leave "this is offensive" as a comment under a photo & never explain why

   Next time you cuddle your cat, remember that her inner monologue is "You know if you died I'd eat your eyes, right?"