Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got this porn called "Hot & Horny Housewives 3." Do you think I will understand what's going on if I haven't seen 1 and 2?

   when you see a super hot girl on a dating website, you know she's a train wreck...

   Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men Eve could have married, and she didn't have to hear about how well Adam’s mother cooked.

   I hate when people come over and they're like "Do you have a bathroom?" No...we sh1t in the yard!

   Its all fun and games until the K9 unit shows up and they tell you to pop open the trunk ツ

   Going to Mexico. What outfit best says: "My family won't pay the ransom."

   Dear Liver, The drinking will continue until your attitude improves.

   I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.

   The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.

   Im using internet explorer so I hope this isnt too late. Happy new year 2009

   One of the office girls just told me she does yoga. I innocently said yoga is more of a spectator sport for me. Off to HR again…

   Some girls seem to think that LOVE stands for Legs Open Very Easy!

   Happy people don't take long showers.

   Know that stunning girl who says naughty things and constantly posts pics of herself? I GUARANTEE you'd be SICK of her in like two weeks.

   Your ass must get jealous of all the crap that comes out of your mouth!

   Beer tastes so delicious when you hate everyone!

   I've decided to be a mythological creature for Halloween this year. It's a tie between a unicorn or a proud Brown's fan.

   I think it was suppose to be Honey Poo Poo instead of Honey boo boo. Because clearly thats where tv is headed, down the pooper.

   "Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, yep, yep, uh huh, uh huh, ok, you too, bye": Man side of every phone conversation with his wife.

   I'm reading the ingredients on a can of dog food, and I'm shocked to see that 17% of it is "kids' homework".