Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   4 out of 5 bubble baths result in Santa Claus beards.

   This is amazing! Copy and paste this as your status, and within 5 minutes, NOTHING WILL HAPPEN! This really works! I tried it twice and it worked both times. Copy and paste this as your status, more people need to know about this ♥♥♥

   I opened our windows to get some fresh air in the house and now the neighbors are wondering why the whole block stinks

   When I was little, I used to sing in the shower. Now, I make life decisions in there

   Some chick told me to get lost so I bought every season on DVD

   Who's hit more balls than Babe Ruth?...... Your chin

   Read it slow: LIFEISNOWHERE. What did you read? LIFE IS NO WHERE or LIFE IS NOW HERE? Life is as you read it.

   Here's to anyone who has had their heart broken by someone... they have never dated.

   Im surprised kids haven't found a way to trick or treat online yet

   Older women are why I don't like younger women.

   Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn't going according to plan...

   I heard the new NBA 2K13 is so real that when Kobe gets the ball, the pass button just stops working.

   Now is the later I avoided earlier.

   Women like to hear things like, I love you and you're so pretty, while men like to hear things like, you're not the father or I swallow.

   My Doctor says I'm a serious alcoholic, but I think I'm more of a funny alcoholic.

   Home Alone! Expectation: Party! Party! Reality: Peeing with the door open.

   Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.

   Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger's leg you can hear them say, "What the f*ck are you doing?"

   When you have a " ■ " in the beginning of your status.... You're automatically an idiot..

   MOM: Make your bed! SON: Why make my bed If I'm gonna sleep In It again tonight? MOM: Why wipe your ass If you are gonna poop again?