Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   found out that if you play a Justin Beiber album backwards, you hear satanic messages. What's even worse is, if you play it forward, you hear Justin Bieber...

   Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else......

   is it just me or does anybody else miss the days when music on the radio sounded good, made sense, and actually required talent to make?????

   Just learned how to cut and paste! Just learned how to cut and paste! Just learned how to cut and paste!

   It's nice when someone can reply to your sarcasm with sarcasm instead of just getting offended.

   feeling a little off today, anyone want to turn me on?

   The police sent me a photo of my car speeding. So I sent them a picture of my cheque.

   just gotten an email stating that I had won the Nigerian lottery! I just left the post office to send off my 1500 dollar processing fee and I'll be on a beach in the Bahama's in no time, SUCKAS!

   Every time a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of !!!

   trying to remember what we all used to do before facebook was invented

   works hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

   finds all the RIP's for a drug addicted Amy Winehouse and none for the 92 innocent people killed in Norway yesterday rather ironic.....

   The worst feeling you'll ever feel is sitting next to the person who means the world to you knowing that you mean nothing to them ...

   I lived through Obama. You'll live through Trump.

   It's weekend! So drink triple.. see double.. act single!

   is watching "according to Jim"...god definatly took the wrong Belushi

   Hi. I'm in a staff meeting. There are 62 ceiling tiles in our meeting room, 6 light fixtures with 24 fluorescent bulbs. That is all.

   Before you get into a fist fight look the other person in the eye and calmly say "I have enough money to bail myself out of jail. Do you?"

   Halloween is coming… and you know what that means. An excuse for every girl to dress slutty and get away with it.

   keeps a fake journal claiming I've done monumental stuff, so if I ever develop amnesia, I'm gonna think I'm freakin' AWESOME!