Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear 2016, for the love of all that's holy... Please take Kanye too!

   instead of hands up don't shoot,how about pull your pants up don't loot....

   Next time a woman tries to defend her insane weight gain with, “Well, I’ve had two children.” Reply with, what? for Breakfast?”

   At last I've managed to find my girlfriend's G-spot! Who would have thought her sister had it all the time?

   Have you heard about the new movie, 'Constipation'? It hasn't come out yet.

   I wish I had a "friend with benefits." But the friend would own an ice cream store, and the benefits would be free ice cream.

   Please put this on your status if you know someone who is an idiot. Idiots affect the lives of many. There is still no known cure for stupidity, but we can raise awareness. 93% wont copy and paste this, mainly because they're too stupid to copy and paste

   If you’re suddenly surprised that COVID was made in a lab after conspiracy theorist have been saying that for the last 16 months, just wait until we “circle back” to the election results.

   If you and your gf/bf traded phones for one day, would you still be together when the day was over?

   I got a free wallet and watch today. It's like this gun is magic.

   I love this global warming! Who cares if my Grand kids won't get to see a Polar bear. I didn't get to see a dinosaur, & I turned out ok. At least the melting ice caps will cover Jersey Shore with water, so they won't have to see that either.

   " Hey ,Skinny jeans aren't for men" Sincerely, Your Balls.

   Dear Soulja Boy- your music sucks even more than it did before! Way to insult the Soldiers who buy your music. PRICK!

   If you see a woman drinking Coors immediately ask her on a date cause she'll swallow anything.

   Well it sounds like my girlfriend is upstairs reading "50 Shades of Grey" or she's been building up to sneeze for the last 10 minutes.

   Stalking: When two people go for a long romantic walk together, but only one of them knows about it.

   Today, December 1st I am thankful for no more thankful posts.... it is officially December........ and I made it through last month without having to delete anyone..... oh ya! :D (and yes... I will not even wink an eye if you delete me!!!)

   I hate going to elementary school concerts. I can never find a designated driver.

   Life is uncertain which is why every morning, before I leave for work, I hug my kids and whisper "avenge me.."

   In a new study women with large asses live longer.........the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives