Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mayweather hugged on Manny more during that fight then my dad did the whole time I was growing up.

   does my BEST proofreading right after I hit send!

   Umm,, Why does everyone in Cracker Barrel look like the cast of Mama's Family?

   I am super tired... well its regular tired except I have a cape... okay just a blanket and one hell of an imagination

   My ex was bisexual. I had to buy her stuff for her to become sexual.

   I tried to give my massage therapist a tip but she refused. Something about she has a boyfriend blah blah blah.

   In honor of Dr. Martin Luther King I will be marching 12 miles to work today in the middle of the street....

   a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?

   I'm against recycling because it makes me appear to be a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.

   I've always wanted to know how long "forever" was... and by looking at some peoples relationships its around 2 to 4 weeks.

   Just to set the record straight! My Dad can beat up all your Dad's!!!

   I don't understand how people get eaten by sharks.....how do you not hear the music?

   What would life be like without women? A pain in the a$$.

   The kids are gonna be shtting themselves after trick or treating at my house tonight......Chocolate laxatives are the best.

   I'd like to be an optimist but I know I'd be terrible at it

   Ladies, show me your duck lips and I'll show you some duct tape.

   Honestly,,,,, I love every single some of you.......

   I'm a leader, not a follower.. Unless it's a dark place, then screw it, you're going first!

   Happy Turkey Day, America! Don't forget to name the turkey and make everyone uncomfortable.

   No one is more judgmental than a waitress questioning if you've saved room for dessert.