Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think all the call of duty's should have a PS3 vs. XBOX online game mode.

   My favorite sexual position: The Chilean miner. That's where you go down on me and stay there till Christmas.

   POVERTY: Having too much month left at the end of the money.

   wonders why, if you send someone a fruit basket, you are thoughtful. If I mailed someone an orange and a banana, they'd wonder, "What the hell is wrong with that guy?"

   I hate when movies say "May contain nudity." Well does it doesn't it? I don't want to waste my time.

   I have a step ladder never knew my real ladder....

   If Apple made a car, would it have windows?

   I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.

   At the rate brothers are marrying white girls, the sisters will be extinct in about 50 years...

   When I was a boy my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a $1 and i'd come back with 2 loafs of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a block of cheese, a box of tea, 6 eggs and 5 potatoes. You can't do that now , too many feckin security cameras.

   Gone are the days when journalism was just about sharing information and not about sharing personal opinions, prejudice, bias and judgment.

   Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you.

   Walmart: Because going to Target requires a shower

   One night my wife said she wanted me to tease her. I said, 'Alright, fatty.'

   We all have that face when we try to look happy when we open a birthday card with no money.

   Dude, quit posting your stupid Tebow crap.

   What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?

   Single as a dollar and I'm not looking for change

   My girlfriend wants something with lots of diamonds for Valentine's Day. She is going to love this deck of cards!

   Some people are like clouds. Once they f*ck off, it's a beautiful day.