Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Intelligence is like underwear: It's important to have it, but you don't have to show it off...

   read that a new study indicates that 80% of children aged 0 to 5 are already exposed to some computer use. In response to show their concern, Apple Computer has announced the new iCrib to target the remaining 20%.

   Happy and in a good place this morning. Now... If only I could remember how the hell I got here!!!

   My husband snores at night, so he bought a bunch of those Breathe Right Strips for me to shove in my ears

   would like monkey bars alot more if they were less like playground equipment, and more like places monkeys go to drink beer and socialize

   Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't, they'd be married too.

   The Insomnia Train has arrived. I didn't want to board, but I was shoved. Now I'm sitting here, I have no clue where I'll end up and I don't like the company. I sure wish it was The Crazy Train instead.

   already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.

   "I tolerate you better than I do anyone else" is the new "I love you."

   The Mona Lisa is one of the most respected pieces of art in the history of the world, and yet, the second you put a replica of it in your living room, it instantly becomes the tackiest piece of sh*t I've ever seen, Mom.

   According to the “you snooze you lose” principle, insomnia makes us winners.

   whenever theres a need to sign into an online acct and it asks the security question 'whats your favorite animal' I wonder how many ppl besides me answer with Liger.

   Everything is so digital these days, my kids can't even read a clock with hands.

   ...today's the day we mother's get some relief from the curse OUR mother's handed down when they told us "one day you'll have a kid JUST LIKE YOU!!" Have a great MOM'S DAY everyone!! =D

   I like to skip my digestive system and just place my Chipotle burrito directly into my toilet.

   Beautiful things happen when you distance yourself ……………………………………………from negative $hit.

   I am instituting a new policy. Whining will be met with an ax handle to the face. I look forward to this new change in policy.

   never volunteer to demonstrate anything

   I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.

   Love fades....bacon is forever!