Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just drunk enough to compose.. Just sober enough to backspace.

   Never fails. Always behind the person filling out a mortgage at the ATM machine

   Nothing says love like, "I'm busy this weekend but I'll call you Wednesday."

   Just nailed the "She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys.." part on Hotel California.....don't judge

   Don't assume I have a bad memory if I don't remember what you tell me. More than likely its becasue I don't like you enough to pay attention.

   Guess it's time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.

   Kids are ridiculous these days, when we were young, we took spelling tests, not pregnancy tests.

   SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who's ever used a cell phone will die.

   Geez!....Drop a couple "fun size" Absolute miniatures in a trick-or-treater's sack and suddenly it's a neighborhood "incident".

   Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic but I kinda always thought Tom and Katie would eventually fall in love.

   It`s going to be sad when the wife finishes the 50 shades trilogy ...Not cause of all the sex and stuff , but because then I won`t be able to watch sport in peace .......

   refuses to swallow my pride. The last thing I need in my diet right now is more empty calories.

   Family Rule: Always give the first pancake to the person you dislike the most in your household.

   Why do the people with 2000+ friends acknowledge your birthday greeting to them, yet the ones with 62 friends never do?

   Hey guy with the flat billed hat turned sideways and pants half off, I'm pretty sure the world will never take you seriously, ever! But, way to keep trying

   The unemployment numbers are twice as bad if you count people who describe themselves as "bloggers."

   thinks that it's people that give drinking a bad name.

   That thing people do with their mouth when they're using their tongue to get food out of their teeth, I bet there's porn for that.

   feeling politely confrontational this evening. Would anyone care for a piece of me?

   still amazed that the technologically challenged are drawn like moths to a flame towards the Self-Check out Lanes at every large Grocery.