Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm collecting every toy that the neighbors kid throws in my yard, I already have tons of Christmas presents for my nieces and nephews this year!

   Within 7 seconds of meeting a girl, I decide whether or not I will sleep with her. Convincing her the rest of the night is the tricky part.

   Note to the close-minded: different doesn't mean wrong, it's simply right in another way. Appreciate it, rather than punish it with naive isolation

   : Have you ever been the only sober person in a roomful of drunk people? ... Me neither.

   school and life are similar in a way. In school, you learn a lesson and then take a test. In life, you come across a test that teaches you a lesson.

   Good morning I see the assasins failed

   looking into the future. Everything looks good for me. But as for you, you're totally f***ed!

   I laugh in the face of danger, then I hide until it goes away.

   Sex is like Jenga: you pull out and try not to make a mess

   The happiest sentence, ruined by one word: I'm getting laid. Off.

   Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

   Censored Snoop Doggy Dogg songs on the radio sound like two AT&T customers having a conversation on the phone.

   Some people would not be born if alcohol was never invented.

   You know who I hate? Vampires. They can't see their reflections, and yet their hair and makeup is always perfect.

   OMG !!! This Jail Cell gets free Wi-Fi !!!

   My grocery cart right now says, "I'm getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!" And also. "I like fruit."

   If you can't say anything nice, at least be vague with a touch of sarcasm, so you can share it with your friends behind their back later.

   Next person that asks me "Is it cold out?" after I walk inside with my winter coat on, gloves, hot and a red face is going to get thrown outside in the snow and locked out.

   If you don't have something nice to wear, then don't wear anything at all.

   People when referring to a celebrating a holiday say "it only comes once a year". Well, so does every other day. Like, "Hey, its November 22nd! That only comes once a year.