Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If You Use Pinesol in A Pine Forest Is It Unscented?

   My idea of artificial intelligence is where the Porn tab changes into the Google tab the moment someone knocks on the door

   Facebook stalking should be classified as a hobby

   There comes a time when you just look at yourself in the mirror, and say" f**k it, this is as good as it's gonna get."

   It's hard to tell if someone's short email means they're mad or just busy. I always reply, "Thanks, C***face!" just in case.

   my idea of a drinking problem is not having any booze to drink.

   If I ever wake up in a room with a bunch of people and a tape recorder that says, "Hello, I want to play a game", I'm gonna be pissed!!!

   Fake: it's the latest trend, and everyone seems to be in style.

   I hate running out of deodorant......with 1 armpit left to go

   I didn't get fired, I just got demoted to customer.

   I'd rather drown going against the current than glide along a journey I don't believe in.

   You may have written me off, but I'll never be erased.

   I turn every sexual experience into a love try angle.

   My Wife says I talk in my sleep which I find it funny because nobody at work has ever mentioned it

   Attention: Windex Wipes are NOT to be used for personal hygiene. Trust me. :(

   Only 16 more days for December to Remember that, no one loves you enough to buy you a Lexus.

   Facebook makes me feel like I'm right at home. Nobody cares what I have to say over there either.

   People nowadays take pictures, not for memories, but to post them on facebook and get comments.

   I won't lie. I only started drinking coffee after I got too old for cocaine.

   My online password is now strong enough for their website. But now it's too complicated for me.