Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Great door signs: Gynecologist: Dr Jones at your cervix. Septic tank truck: Yesterday's meals on wheels. Plumber's office: We repair what ur husband fixed. Tire shop: Invite us to ur next blowout. Electrical shop: Let us remove ur shorts.

   Nothing is more disturbing than sitting on a warm toilet seat.

   Facebook: A place where you discover that people you once respected can't even spell.

   Okay lads, let's all remember this : What happened in the mine, stays in the mine.

   Just sprayed a fly with Axe body spray. He’ll live, but he won’t get laid.

   When wearing a baseball cap a BRO may position the brim at either 12 or 6 oclock. All other positions are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.

   The year is 2016. The NFL has banned tackling. Players must apologize and say 10 nice things about each other after each penalty.

   My dog said "woof" so I said "woof" & now I'm afraid of what I may have agreed to.

   Fun thing to do #47 When you see someone on one knee tying their shoe stand in front of them and say "YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES"

   Ah April 20th, the day the word dude was born.

   just spent 30 minutes entering ridiculous symptoms into WebMD and it diagnosed me as having no life and being immature. Pshhh!

   You know your vacation sucks when you're constantly writing updates about it on Facebook.

   Of course you can trust the government. Just ask a Native American how that worked out.

   What did one saggy titty say to the other saggy titty? We better get some support soon or people will start thinking we're nuts!

   Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.

   Just got back from my high school Football coach's funeral. I leaned over the casket and whispered "YOU walk it off".

   You don't need training to be a garbage collector. You just pick it up as you go along.

   Getting Old- It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

   To do list: go to a bank wearing a ski mask. complete a normal transaction. leave as if nothing happened.

   DOUCHEBAG: "Bro can I use your phone to call my girlfriend?" ME: "Yeah sure, just hit redial."