Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When people ask "do you believe in aliens?", I just say "have you seen Lady Gaga?"

   A survey taken showed that 50% of people described sex as a "deep,meaningful,soul-bonding act of showing eternal love to your partner". The other 50% were men.

   The situation in N. Korea has caused 0bama to elevate his mood from "concerned" to "really concerned". Next step: "Super-duper concered", but only if it doesn't offend any Asian-American-Asians-of-Asian-Decent.

   Stalking is such a strong word. I prefer extreme follow the leader :)

   would tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don't want to see you every day.

   My phone didn't get a ring all day. . Then I forgot I had it in lebron mode

   If zombies ever attack just go to costco, they have concrete walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can't get in without a costco membership card

   I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet. Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "Wow...He's really giving me a run for my money."

   I go to the liquor store and stock up for hurricanes almost every other weekend.

   Everything happens for a reason, live it, love it, learn from it! Make your smile change the world, but don't let the world change your smile :)

   Just killed a spider in kitchen and I'm leaving it there dead on the floor , just so all the rest can see what will happen to them .

   Attractive person: Hey whats up? Me: Who paid you

   So, are they going to place Joe Paterno's statue in the library to remind people to keep quiet?

   Women don't fart because they can't stop talking long enough to build up pressure.

   Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON'T HANG UP" right as they're hanging up & then not answer when they call back

   You know, if I slouch in my chair at just the right angle, my fat rolls into a pretty impressive '3-pack'. Heck, I'm half way to sexy town ツ

   There was no power outage...... Beyonce's ass just got in front of the flood lights

   Great door signs: Gynecologist: Dr Jones at your cervix. Septic tank truck: Yesterday's meals on wheels. Plumber's office: We repair what ur husband fixed. Tire shop: Invite us to ur next blowout. Electrical shop: Let us remove ur shorts.

   Nothing is more disturbing than sitting on a warm toilet seat.

   Facebook: A place where you discover that people you once respected can't even spell.