Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing says regret like the email address you made as a kid

   Its funny when a slut has the nerve to complain that there are no more good men left.

   Think of all the chances you lost because of shyness!

   My favorite thing about Basketball is when it's Football.

   f by “Hold” you mean take a moment to reflect on your poor customer service and how I should take my business elsewhere? Then yes, I’ll hold.

   Wait, there's a "wrong hole"?

   I want so bad to post a Kim and Kanye joke, but it would be off color and in the wrong direction...

   So this girl was like, “I wanna have your children” and I was like, “okay, but you’ll have to ask their mom first.”

   There's only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.

   When someone says "You owe me one"....I just hand them a dollar and get that sh*t done with.

   Damn, for living in a trailer home in the woods you sure know a lot of government secrets

   Today was somewhat embarrassing. It was only after I started dancing in the food court - alone - that I learned flash mobs are planned.

   Chips have little nutritional value. That's why you need to eat the whole bag.

   Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don't you ever smile in my pictures?

   I don't hate anyone like I hate the person who waits for me outside the bathroom to finish.

   That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

   This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she's made some serious mistakes in her past.

   If I never use a smiley face in any of the texts I send you.....it's safe to say I don't like you.

   Kids are just the best drugs. 5 nights of no sleep and I'm dizzy, sweaty, blurry, confused and can't walk a straight line. Who wants some?

   There's no business like minding your own business