Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wait, there's a "wrong hole"?

   I want so bad to post a Kim and Kanye joke, but it would be off color and in the wrong direction...

   I tried writing one of those braggy, family Christmas letters,, but it just started looking like a suicide note.

   If you find a female driver who checks her side-view mirrors, marry her.

   Friendly Christmas Reminder: If you're telling a joke to a group of family members and friends, and no one laughs, there is NO need to REPEAT the joke a second time!

   if you aren’t both squished on one side of the bed to avoid the wet spot, you aren’t doing it right…

   MARRIAGE; Because your suffering doesn't have to end at work!

   seriously people, we all have smart phones. Stop with the weather updates on FB...

   Beer is good, but beers are better.

   Notice at Church: Don't leave ur mobiles, purses, wallets, handbags, girlfriends unattended. Others may think it is an answer to their prayers.

   I don't hate anyone like I hate the person who waits for me outside the bathroom to finish.

   That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

   This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she's made some serious mistakes in her past.

   If I never use a smiley face in any of the texts I send you.....it's safe to say I don't like you.

   Kids are just the best drugs. 5 nights of no sleep and I'm dizzy, sweaty, blurry, confused and can't walk a straight line. Who wants some?

   There's no business like minding your own business

   I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

   If you can wipe it off with a wet towel, it's not beauty.

   I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 18 minutes

   My outgoing message: Hi,, I'm gonna be honest, I screen people I don't want to talk to,,, You can leave a message, but if you heard this,,,,,It's you