Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The places where I think up the best jokes are usually in the shower and while driving... It must have something to do with being naked.

   He told me he doesn't have a beer gut...but it is just a protective covering for his rock hard abs!!

   BREAKING NEWS: In a surprisingly new Marital Sex Survey, men have reportedly finished the survey much quicker than women ....

   When you know why you like someone, it's a crush. When you have no reason or explanation, it's love.

   I recently lost a friend. Not a real one, just one on Facebook.

   15% of men see " <3 " as a heart. 85% see " <3 " as a party hat on boobs.

   The blue whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10 percent enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?

   If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer... oh wait, he does.

   "One Direction" has 12 letters. So does "gayyyyyyyyyy". Coincidence? I think not.

   I'm not a psychologist,,, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track magically cured 80% of ADHD

   Dear Santa, Don't bother coming to my house this year. I've been naughty and it was f*cking worth it, you judgemental son of a b*tch!"

   Special note to all kids returning to school: If you see someone who is struggling to make friends or being bullied because he/she doesn't have many friends or because they are shy or not as pretty or not dressed in the most "in" clothes,PLEASE step up.

   Thank You Kellogg's® Crunchy Nut™ cereal for the great slogan “It's morning somewhere”…Now, when I have afternoon or evening wood for no apparent reason, I have an answer….

   Never trust a person with dry hands coming out of a bathroom

   Women can be funny sometimes... like when they say stuff like "Let's just be friends" or "Let me go and I won't tell the cops"

   RIP Khaddafi. Also, RIP Qaddafi. And let us not forget: RIP Ghaddafi. And just to be safe, RIP Caddaphee.

   what's the most polite way to excuse yourself as a guy to go to the bathroom when dining with a lady? "Please excuse me,I need to shake hands with a friend of mine,whom I hope you will have the pleasure of meeting after dinner"

   I'm pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow White's heroin addiction.

   People complain too much on airplanes. like "For real? I cant get hi speed internet?! AND MY CHAIR DOESNT LEAN BACK!" .... "Dude, you are sitting in a chair... IN THE GOD DAMN SKY!"

   The thing I hate most about make-up sex is getting the nail polish off my balls.