Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I walk out naked to get the paper.. Squirrels are in awe

   I just wrote a note to my utilities company: Dear Utilities, Life is full of surprises. This month we won't be paying our bill. SURPRISE!

   Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

   I would like the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a bottle of Jack Daniels as a backup plan.

   Some people are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.

   wonders if Cash4Gold would give me money for a bottle of Goldschlager!

   that if you were pots and pans, he'd bang you on New Year's Eve.

   Why is my flashlight always a case for holding dead batteries....

   Hard work never killed anybody, but it does keep you off Facebook.

   glad that we have today to appreciate such great Presidents as Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, Benjamin Harrison, Rutherford Hayes, and of course... Warren G. Harding.

   Girlfriends are like wildcats.....they can't be housebroken and they can smell that stripper perfume from a mile away!

   "Hey, yall watch this sh*t." is always followed by an emergency room visit at my family reunion.

   Levi Johnston is part native, he just took back his apology to Palin

   Spellcheck? I just type the words into the Google Toolbar and see if it corrects me.

   Why do people lie when getting a gift by saying "Oh You didn't have to do that" HELLO! Thats the only reason they where invited!

   Army Navy game. The only game where all the members of both teams have sworn an oath to lay down their lives for the spectators.

   Bill Clinton is the only Democrat who is happy right now because it wasn't his Wiener that got Hillary in trouble

   [grocery produce aisle]... ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?.. CLERK: No, why do you ask?... CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

   NEW COMMANDMENT: Thou salt stop believing everything ye read on the internet and fact check before sharing and getting all self righteous.

   n't it strange how so many Media and Journalism Outlets are condemning Wikileaks for doing just what Journalists used to do?