Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Best part of Halloween is the day after…clearance candy in the stores and drunken slutty pictures on Facebook.

   I wonder how great philosophers would have felt to see their great knowledge being quoted on Facebook because someone thinks it applies to their baby daddy's issues........hhmmmm

   My girlfriend told me that she has bronchitis. I wish I had a dinosaur.

   If you ever hire me to work for you, don't pay me money, pay me with 12 cases of beer. That's where all the money is going anyway!

   I should marry my neighbour. He doesn't live with me, we never speak, and we see each other naked all the time.

   If you don't do stupid things while you're young, you'll have nothing to smile about when you're old.

   "Oh my gosh! A giant face just destroyed my house! Now he seems to be doing some weird dance?" - spiders

   It would be kind if some people performed random acts of silence.

   It's impossible to ruin our friendship with sex. It was ruined the moment you called it a friendship.

   A big part of my self-improvement plan is finding more opportunities to use the word "taters."

   Today's secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.

   I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.

   5 words that scare the hell out of me in horror movies, "Based on a true story."

   I'm pretty sure that if I get married, the only place I'll bother registering is the liquor store.

   I'm not crazy, my reality is just prettier than yours

   My girlfriend wanted us to go out and have a romantic evening instead of me staying home and watching Wrestlemania....... She's getting good at this April fools thing.

   I read "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" in 4 hours yesterday. I know it's only 6 words, but I was still impressed with myself.

   Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like... "Dude, shouldn't you be hanging out with people your own age?"

   Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls just make you FEEL like you're in Heaven!

   My girlfriend might not be the sharpest girl around. I accidentally left my phone at her house last night. I went back over to get it and saw she had texted me 5 times telling me I forgot it.