Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lady in the commercial for the life alert necklace said she fell. Laid there for 8 hours til her friend came. Why didn't the cameraman help her up?

   I like to wear a parachute on airplanes and act smug during turbulence.

   I've just discovered that I'm neither a lover nor a fighter...I'm an eater.

   In life, we have 2 choices: we could spend our time crying for what's gone or instead we could smile for what's to come. That's for us to decide. Now, 1 thing is for sure. Life still goes on, no matter what. It won't wait for us. Join it or be left behind

   Just received my first McDonald's monopoly pieces. If I can get Oriental Avenue, I'll win diabetes.

   Waking up at 7:00 always seems better than waking up at 6:59.

   I'm not shy. I'm just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouh to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment$ directed at you will immediately spew from within me.

   If it wasn't for auto-tune Jennifer Lopez would be selling rugs and little Puerto Rican flags out of a van at the intersection by the mall.

   In celebration of "Fat Tuesday", I only plan to party on days that start with "T" from now on......Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday! ツ

   I want a girlfriend born on 29 February. Think of all the money I will save on birthdays.

   I woke up one day and your name just didn't make me smile anymore.

   Welcome to "Ticked Off Tuesday". Today's special is bitchy, sarcastic attitude, with a side order of I don't give a damn. Enjoy!

   Jingle Bells always gives me a warm feeling inside. She works Tuesday nights at the Lusty Leopard.

   Since the world is going to end next December instead of saying happy new year, I'm going to say happy last year! 

   If my doctor ever tells me I'm not healthy enough for sexual activity, at least I'll know how I'm going to die.

   Gee honey, I would have taken the trash out.. But I slipped and fell into the lifeboat..

   3am text message "Hey are you asleep?" No I'm scuba diving, what the hell do you want?

   Every time I drive past a hitchhiker I feel kinda bad thinking maybe they're just liking my status.

   The longer I sit in a drive-thru, the more pennies I pay with.

   I'm more pissed off than a mosquito in a room full of mannequins.