Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Like if you remember only having 3 TV channels to choose from and YOU were the remote!
←Rate | 04-17-2012 07:23 by Gary Comments (0)  

   messageicon If my absence doesn't alter your life, then my presence has no meaning in it.
←Rate | 11-15-2011 13:36 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.
←Rate | 11-21-2011 09:14 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon NBA's first games start Christmas day....Worst Christmas present EVER!!
←Rate | 11-27-2011 08:00 by K-Mac Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tim Tebow is the most talked about white Bronco since the O.J. chase.
←Rate | 12-13-2011 16:53 by mark Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" is a clever little b@stard.
←Rate | 06-30-2012 03:49 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon I watched the deleted scenes from a p0rno last night. Turns out he did fix the washing machine after all.
←Rate | 09-29-2012 07:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Somewhere, someone is thinking about you and the impact you made in their life.... It's not me, I think you're a prick.
←Rate | 08-22-2012 07:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.
←Rate | 08-25-2012 11:16 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon TOP MISTAKES MARRIED MEN MAKE: 1) Doing things... 2) Not doing things... 3) Thinking about doing things... 4) Not thinking about doing things...
←Rate | 03-08-2013 14:59 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Facebook needs a button that's the equivalent of kicking someone under the table to stop them from making a fool of themselves.
←Rate | 10-24-2012 13:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling “IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!
←Rate | 11-04-2012 10:02 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.
←Rate | 07-10-2013 13:47 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
←Rate | 07-16-2013 19:28 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you're ignorant and make bad decisions.
←Rate | 08-20-2013 11:01 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
←Rate | 09-06-2013 14:38 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.
←Rate | 04-01-2014 01:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
←Rate | 09-24-2015 06:51 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don't know karate.
←Rate | 09-17-2014 20:45 by Daheavy1 Comments (5)  

   messageicon American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
←Rate | 01-23-2015 09:27 Comments (0)  

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