Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon According to my sidebar ads, I am a fat lesbian who needs a new Honda.
←Rate | 08-15-2012 15:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only thing worse than the one that got away is the one that won't go away
←Rate | 06-04-2013 18:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever I see a lone female jogging at night I follow her in my car from a noticable distance because there are a lot of weirdos out there.
←Rate | 12-13-2012 12:50 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.
←Rate | 09-22-2012 11:32 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That's why I'm happier than you
←Rate | 10-15-2012 20:57 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon A prostitute just told me she would do anything for $10... guess who just got their car washed!
←Rate | 10-19-2012 10:13 by StonerDudee Comments (3)  

   messageicon When people tell me "You're gonna regret that in the morning" I sleep in til noon, because I'm a problem Solver
←Rate | 08-22-2013 05:36 by huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon Helmet strapped down, crayons sharpened, it's going to be a great day!
←Rate | 01-26-2011 17:36 by Dunno Comments (0)  

   messageicon Alright, who left the bag of idiots open..
←Rate | 11-10-2010 14:28 by Wolf Comments (1)  

   messageicon You know shes a stalker . . . . or a serial killer, if you wake up at 3 'o clock in the morning and shes staring at you. . . in the dark. . . . .and says. . . "You know that I love you right?"
←Rate | 12-09-2010 22:07 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
←Rate | 08-25-2010 16:44 by Hot Tea Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're playing with your X-Box all day, she'll break up with you and some dude will be playing with your ex's box all night.
←Rate | 09-24-2010 09:24 by dragon-king Comments (3)  

   messageicon People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.
←Rate | 10-10-2010 06:04 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon What happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas. It ends up on Facebook.
←Rate | 04-04-2010 19:04 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon it's funny how social networking has made people more antisocial.
←Rate | 05-15-2010 23:01 by shoesan Comments (0)  

   messageicon I HaTe PeOpLe WhO WrItE tHiS wAy
←Rate | 03-29-2010 04:48 Comments (2)  

   messageicon I guess today has been pretty good. I haven't had to slap one single person yet....
←Rate | 02-08-2011 17:20 by scottyp Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can no longer "drop it like it's hot", so I "squat like it's warm".
←Rate | 03-01-2011 20:14 by Abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I was a cab driver, I'd whisper "I could have kept you" to passengers before they got out.
←Rate | 03-10-2011 13:52 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon if I ever win the lottery the first thing I'm gonna do is hire a priest, a rabbi and a minister to walk into bars with me
←Rate | 03-28-2011 05:37 by flinnie Comments (0)  

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