Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I don't want to brag, but I'm single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
←Rate | 05-11-2013 09:45 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon An apple a day is bullcrap. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
←Rate | 06-16-2013 21:55 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
←Rate | 01-20-2011 09:54 by Will Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women who chase after younger men are called "Cougars" whereas men who chase after younger women are called "Men".
←Rate | 01-19-2010 17:47 by (the real) lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon why can't Twitter just die already?
←Rate | 03-03-2010 03:45 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

   messageicon Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
←Rate | 08-24-2010 14:09 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Was about to put on my white jeans then realized ITS AFTER LABOR DAY! Phew, what a fashion mistake that would had been! So I put on my neon green parachute pants instead.
←Rate | 09-07-2010 18:48 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
←Rate | 09-12-2010 14:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Want World Peace?? Replace oxygen with Helium. Who could stay mad at someone that sounds like a Chipmunk?!?
←Rate | 07-11-2010 10:44 by greg2missy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
←Rate | 11-24-2010 07:07 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Police reports released this morning state that Justin Bieber's blood contained traces of alcohol, pot and Flintstones Chewable's..
←Rate | 01-24-2014 16:06 Comments (0)  

←Rate | 03-18-2010 16:12 by Samir Momin Comments (2)  

   messageicon thinks it's funny that "LOL" has gone from meaning "Laugh Out Loud" to "I have Nothing Else To Say"
←Rate | 09-18-2009 13:08 by Vitamin N Comments (1)  

   messageicon After reading this sentence you will realize that the the brain doesn't recognize a second 'the'.
←Rate | 07-11-2011 20:37 by Surge yarmolyuk Comments (0)  

   messageicon The question asked "have you ever been convicted of a crime" followed by "explain why"... so I put "no" and "good lawyer."
←Rate | 04-16-2011 15:58 by Gman Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate when I buy a bag of air and there's chips in it.
←Rate | 04-14-2011 22:35 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I'm still alive.
←Rate | 03-20-2012 07:42 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  

   messageicon I found my first grey pubic hair today....normally things like this don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
←Rate | 01-25-2012 09:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear vending machine guy who decided to put the Hostess cupcakes behind a granola bar: Your plan might have been to make me opt for a healthier choice, but all you did was sell me the cupcakes at twice the price. You good sir, are an asshole.
←Rate | 06-07-2010 13:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
←Rate | 03-27-2010 05:56 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

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