Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't want to brag, but I'm single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.

   An apple a day is bullcrap. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.

   You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

   Women who chase after younger men are called "Cougars" whereas men who chase after younger women are called "Men".

   why can't Twitter just die already?

   Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.

   Was about to put on my white jeans then realized ITS AFTER LABOR DAY! Phew, what a fashion mistake that would had been! So I put on my neon green parachute pants instead.

   Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?

   Want World Peace?? Replace oxygen with Helium. Who could stay mad at someone that sounds like a Chipmunk?!?

   Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.

   Police reports released this morning state that Justin Bieber's blood contained traces of alcohol, pot and Flintstones Chewable's..

   I TOOK A DRUG TEST THE OTHER DAY AND THE TEST RESULTS CAME BACK NEGATIVE. WHICH MEANS MY DEALER HAS SOME F*CKING EXPLAINING TO DO...

   thinks it's funny that "LOL" has gone from meaning "Laugh Out Loud" to "I have Nothing Else To Say"

   After reading this sentence you will realize that the the brain doesn't recognize a second 'the'.

   The question asked "have you ever been convicted of a crime" followed by "explain why"... so I put "no" and "good lawyer."

   I hate when I buy a bag of air and there's chips in it.

   Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I'm still alive.

   I found my first grey pubic hair today....normally things like this don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.

   Dear vending machine guy who decided to put the Hostess cupcakes behind a granola bar: Your plan might have been to make me opt for a healthier choice, but all you did was sell me the cupcakes at twice the price. You good sir, are an asshole.

   You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."