Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.

   My train of thought is usually all loco and no motive.

   People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

   if you want a sneak preview of the new IPhone 8 just look at your IPhone 7 and pretend it cost $999 more.

   The San Francisco Giants visited an orphanage in Mexico last week. "It's really sad to see their faces with no hope" said Juan, age 6.

   Think I will use this CSV receipt to wrap up like a mummy for Halloween. BONUS: You can scan me for $1 off any 2 liter drink

   I wonder if Harvey Weinstein & Bill Cosby sit around swapping stories

   My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.

   I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

   I went to the doctor because I couldn’t stop listening to Tom Jones. He told me it’s not unusual

   Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it's the stupid ones that need the advice?

   House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds

   My executive meeting with the cats in the board room was going so well, until I brought out the laser pointer to highlight my slide presentation

   I think COVID-19 is just a ploy by Netflix to get people to stay in and actually watch Adam Sandler movies.

   My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

   I sometimes wonder when I turn on the news if I'm watching breaking news about the Coronavirus or if they've playing the same broadcast on repeat since March?

   My paycheck came in the mail the other day. There was a sprig of parsley inside. Someone had garnished my wages.

   Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

   Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done this year...

   I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?