Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My son asked me what's it like being married. I said "You know how you have to eat your vegetables to get dessert? Like that".
←Rate | 03-17-2013 11:45 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  


   messageicon No one ever seems to realize that when someone says, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," basically implies that there is a list and hurting you is on it.
←Rate | 04-30-2010 20:42 by bigedusw Comments (0)  


   messageicon If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
←Rate | 04-02-2012 17:58 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon I am feeling lazier than the guy who designed the Japanese flag.
←Rate | 09-19-2011 11:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can't chug that whole beer!"
←Rate | 05-13-2010 13:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Copy this and put it in your status if you know someone or have heard of someone who knows someone. If you don't know anyone or even if you've just heard of someone who doesn't know anyone then do still copy this. It's important to spread the message...
←Rate | 12-09-2010 05:34 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Breakfast was going well until that creepy new Tiger Woods commercial with his late father's voice came on... now I'm just playing with my oatmeal.
←Rate | 04-08-2010 17:21 by Shamus Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't run for fun! If you see me running past you, you better start running too because something is coming.
←Rate | 06-10-2011 19:55 by Marshall the Grat Comments (0)  


   messageicon Girls need to start looking for guys who have goals, ambitions, and an education because 10 years from now "swag" isn't going to pay the bills.
←Rate | 12-29-2011 23:55 by A Comments (3)  


   messageicon If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
←Rate | 05-11-2012 10:31 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon The closest I've gotten to murder is holding cookies under the milk until the bubbles stopped.
←Rate | 12-14-2011 13:52 by fadolo Comments (0)  


   messageicon Even when it's not the best of days, you can always tell yourself, hey, at least I'm not the guy who sank a $570 million ship.
←Rate | 01-17-2012 18:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't usually talk to people who use the words "SWAG," or "YOLO." But when I do, I order a large fry.
←Rate | 09-13-2012 23:20 by Jason Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pro Tip: If someone asks you if you "have a sec" and you answer "I have lots of secs", they will forget their original question.
←Rate | 08-19-2010 19:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever I choose to go down the stairs next to a crowded escalator, I feel the need to move faster than the escalator to prove to the people on board that I made the better decision.
←Rate | 08-21-2010 10:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; if I die before I wake ... will someone please delete my internet browser history.
←Rate | 11-02-2010 05:02 by @clarkysj Comments (1)  


   messageicon Auto correct can go straight to He'll
←Rate | 11-19-2010 01:42 by Zack Comments (0)  


   messageicon In memory of the fallen Marines who were killed. You've served well and won't be forgotten. Rest in Peace Marines and Semper Fi!!
←Rate | 07-17-2015 10:01 Comments (2)  


   messageicon I still think everyone on the east coast should have played dead just to scare the crap out of everyone on the west coast.
←Rate | 05-22-2011 15:54 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wish the best for my ex-girlfriend. I really do. I hope she meets someone honest, friendly, and kind. Cause, you know, opposites attract.
←Rate | 06-24-2011 13:00 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


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