Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump
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Like if you remember only having 3 TV channels to choose from and YOU were the remote! 
If my absence doesn't alter your life, then my presence has no meaning in it.
Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.
NBA's first games start Christmas day....Worst Christmas present EVER!!
Tim Tebow is the most talked about white Bronco since the O.J. chase.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" is a clever little b@stard.
I watched the deleted scenes from a p0rno last night. Turns out he did fix the washing machine after all.
Somewhere, someone is thinking about you and the impact you made in their life.... It's not me, I think you're a prick.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.
TOP MISTAKES MARRIED MEN MAKE: 1) Doing things... 2) Not doing things... 3) Thinking about doing things... 4) Not thinking about doing things...
Facebook needs a button that's the equivalent of kicking someone under the table to stop them from making a fool of themselves.
If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling “IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!
I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.
I'm convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you're ignorant and make bad decisions.
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
I've been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don't know karate.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.