Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's gotten so bad here I can't remember the last time I made it past the first page.

   Starbucks is banning smoking within 25 feet of its stores. It's tricky since every Starbucks is 25 feet from another Starbucks.

   Falling in love is like jumping off a very tall building. Your brain tells you - it's not a good idea, while your heart tells you - you can fly.

   Why do they always staff the slowest cashier at the express lanes at Walmart?

   ‎9 times more people are killed by falling coconuts than by sharks. I CANNOT WAIT for Coconut Week!

   A fake smile on your friend's face is more evil than a sword in your enemy's hand.

   It's so annoying when someone keeps talking after you've interrupt them.

   Don't be mad because we bumped shoulders when passing. You didn't move either.

   was given 4 E's and LSD last night… Such an awful start to a game of scrabble.

   -- My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said..... "We need to talk about our future."..... I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be f***ing mental - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"...Needless to say - I'm now f***ing single !

   I don't need to make better choices, I need better things to choose FROM.

   wonders if Lil' Wayne will hear "lick it like a lollipop, son" now that he's in jail.

   Put a diaper on that mouth cuz you talk a lot of crap...

   A man basically goes through three phases in his life... He believes in Santa Claus...He doesn't believe in Santa Claus...He is Santa Claus.

   I'm excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?

   making "fruitcakes" out of stuff I find under my sofa cushions

   It's no coincidence the people who call the cops when parties get loud are the people who never get invited to parties.

   Snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.

   When someone comments on an old picture, your first thought is, "Wow I forgot about this! Thanks for the comment." immediately before this thought: "Why was this person looking through ALL my photos??"

   Why does the 30 minutes before work go by so fast, causing me to be late. But the last 30 minutes go by slow, causing me to be pissed off.