Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My son asked me what's it like being married. I said "You know how you have to eat your vegetables to get dessert? Like that".

   No one ever seems to realize that when someone says, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," basically implies that there is a list and hurting you is on it.

   If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.

   I am feeling lazier than the guy who designed the Japanese flag.

   That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can't chug that whole beer!"

   Copy this and put it in your status if you know someone or have heard of someone who knows someone. If you don't know anyone or even if you've just heard of someone who doesn't know anyone then do still copy this. It's important to spread the message...

   Breakfast was going well until that creepy new Tiger Woods commercial with his late father's voice came on... now I'm just playing with my oatmeal.

   I don't run for fun! If you see me running past you, you better start running too because something is coming.

   Girls need to start looking for guys who have goals, ambitions, and an education because 10 years from now "swag" isn't going to pay the bills.

   If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......

   The closest I've gotten to murder is holding cookies under the milk until the bubbles stopped.

   Even when it's not the best of days, you can always tell yourself, hey, at least I'm not the guy who sank a $570 million ship.

   I don't usually talk to people who use the words "SWAG," or "YOLO." But when I do, I order a large fry.

   Pro Tip: If someone asks you if you "have a sec" and you answer "I have lots of secs", they will forget their original question.

   Whenever I choose to go down the stairs next to a crowded escalator, I feel the need to move faster than the escalator to prove to the people on board that I made the better decision.

   Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; if I die before I wake ... will someone please delete my internet browser history.

   Auto correct can go straight to He'll

   In memory of the fallen Marines who were killed. You've served well and won't be forgotten. Rest in Peace Marines and Semper Fi!!

   I still think everyone on the east coast should have played dead just to scare the crap out of everyone on the west coast.

   I wish the best for my ex-girlfriend. I really do. I hope she meets someone honest, friendly, and kind. Cause, you know, opposites attract.