Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon if a person starts a sentence with, "Not to sound like an a**hole..." Guess what they're gonna sound like....?
←Rate | 09-15-2011 16:55 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

   messageicon Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
←Rate | 09-08-2010 09:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon One of the great mysteries to me is the fact that us women can pour hot wax on our legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.
←Rate | 09-20-2010 14:28 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
←Rate | 02-02-2010 16:28 by Octane Comments (0)  

   messageicon   You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.
←Rate | 05-12-2010 16:52 by Mduduzi Comments (2)  

   messageicon First, there was planking, then owling and milking, now there's Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be thinking, that would be great.
←Rate | 02-22-2013 11:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
←Rate | 12-30-2013 07:27 by Huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife and I found each other on a dating website, 3 years after we got married... That was awkward.
←Rate | 04-12-2015 19:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had no idea Baltimore had won any type of championship!!!!
←Rate | 04-28-2015 09:22 by Jerry Carter Comments (0)  

   messageicon I saw that veterans got a free meal at Golden Corral on Veterans Day. Why?... Haven't those poor guys been through enough?
←Rate | 11-24-2014 12:22 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
←Rate | 04-15-2016 05:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A lot of capes at the hair salon. Hard to tell who's a superhero and who's not
←Rate | 08-06-2015 13:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes my girlfriend is so annoying. "Do you think I'm pretty? Do you think I'm pretty?" Why doesn't she just answer me?
←Rate | 03-10-2012 08:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There's got to be an easier way to get vodka into a Capri Sun.
←Rate | 03-12-2012 10:05 by fadolo Comments (0)  

   messageicon when it costs more to get to work than you make, the amish are probly laughin their @sses off
←Rate | 03-22-2012 16:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey,, When I was young I had to Post stuff manually... Barefoot in the snow,,, uphill both ways....... And I was GRATEFULL
←Rate | 04-07-2012 08:03 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish I could go back in time so I could remember where I was going with this update
←Rate | 06-10-2012 19:04 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
←Rate | 05-12-2010 21:45 by paulb808 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you say "beer can" with a British accent, you can say "bacon" with a Jamaican accent.
←Rate | 10-24-2010 15:01 Comments (10)  

   messageicon Wait, Miley Cyrus has been 18 for only a week, and there's already naked pictures of her? Somebody might be beating Lindsay to porn.
←Rate | 12-02-2010 08:23 Comments (0)  

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