Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is a new supermarket in town but I think it is run by the Mob. There are signs above the registers that say "12 items or else".

   To all my friends having a identity crisis, I love you, and you know who you are, I think?

   The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.

   If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.

   Contrary to popular belief, it's actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress

   Everytime this post is liked, Kanye West gets kicked in the genitals.

   I better get to sleep. I have to get up early to call in sick to work.

   Those fake living rooms at IKEA should have a couple in them trying to assemble IKEA furniture and fighting.

   To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock against the wall in the morning is the fact that it's also my cellphone.

   Before making your three wishes, make sure your genie has a good command of English. Unrelated: would anyone like to purchase a massive rooster, a bunch of wet, Brazilian cats and a large section of donkey?

   I hate when I'm laughing & my ass falls off.

   My mother-in-law came to visit, I asked, "How long are you going to stay?" She said, "As long as you want me to." I said, "You're not even going to stay for coffee?"

   It would make your mother proud if you could NOT, walk, talk, spell, and wear your damn pants like you were raised by a rap video your whole life.

   "I had to walk to school 40 miles in the snow... barefoot" was good in it's day. But imagine the sheer terror on your kid's face when you drop "When I was born there was no internet".

   relieved to see Facebook finally expanded the Religion choice to include Amish, for all those Amish people out there with computers.

   When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.

   I just taped magnets to the bottom of my empty coffee cup and attached it to the top of my car... Can't wait to see how many people will try and flag me down...

   My phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian and that, people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.

   Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.