Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon There is a new supermarket in town but I think it is run by the Mob. There are signs above the registers that say "12 items or else".
←Rate | 09-20-2017 08:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon To all my friends having a identity crisis, I love you, and you know who you are, I think?
←Rate | 10-04-2017 13:15 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
←Rate | 10-12-2017 19:29 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.
←Rate | 06-01-2011 10:58 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Contrary to popular belief, it's actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
←Rate | 05-02-2012 07:36 by Pong Lenis Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everytime this post is liked, Kanye West gets kicked in the genitals.
←Rate | 02-20-2016 18:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I better get to sleep. I have to get up early to call in sick to work.
←Rate | 10-25-2010 09:26 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Those fake living rooms at IKEA should have a couple in them trying to assemble IKEA furniture and fighting.
←Rate | 05-28-2013 14:53 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
←Rate | 01-24-2013 06:29 by Stan Brown Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock against the wall in the morning is the fact that it's also my cellphone.
←Rate | 12-19-2011 02:46 by Czovczov Comments (0)  


   messageicon Before making your three wishes, make sure your genie has a good command of English. Unrelated: would anyone like to purchase a massive rooster, a bunch of wet, Brazilian cats and a large section of donkey?
←Rate | 06-05-2012 14:10 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate when I'm laughing & my ass falls off.
←Rate | 03-01-2011 15:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My mother-in-law came to visit, I asked, "How long are you going to stay?" She said, "As long as you want me to." I said, "You're not even going to stay for coffee?"
←Rate | 11-10-2010 11:28 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon It would make your mother proud if you could NOT, walk, talk, spell, and wear your damn pants like you were raised by a rap video your whole life.
←Rate | 03-23-2010 15:34 by Danmanz Comments (0)  


   messageicon "I had to walk to school 40 miles in the snow... barefoot" was good in it's day. But imagine the sheer terror on your kid's face when you drop "When I was born there was no internet".
←Rate | 03-29-2010 09:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon relieved to see Facebook finally expanded the Religion choice to include Amish, for all those Amish people out there with computers.
←Rate | 10-12-2010 12:20 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
←Rate | 08-11-2015 22:37 by gremlinsd Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just taped magnets to the bottom of my empty coffee cup and attached it to the top of my car... Can't wait to see how many people will try and flag me down...
←Rate | 06-07-2010 21:26 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon My phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian and that, people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.
←Rate | 04-30-2015 13:35 by Czovczov Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
←Rate | 11-19-2012 23:43 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  




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