Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if a person starts a sentence with, "Not to sound like an a**hole..." Guess what they're gonna sound like....?

   Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.

   One of the great mysteries to me is the fact that us women can pour hot wax on our legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.

   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

     You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

   First, there was planking, then owling and milking, now there's Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be thinking, that would be great.

   I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge

   My wife and I found each other on a dating website, 3 years after we got married... That was awkward.

   I had no idea Baltimore had won any type of championship!!!!

   I saw that veterans got a free meal at Golden Corral on Veterans Day. Why?... Haven't those poor guys been through enough?

   Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

   A lot of capes at the hair salon. Hard to tell who's a superhero and who's not

   Sometimes my girlfriend is so annoying. "Do you think I'm pretty? Do you think I'm pretty?" Why doesn't she just answer me?

   There's got to be an easier way to get vodka into a Capri Sun.

   when it costs more to get to work than you make, the amish are probly laughin their @sses off

   Hey,, When I was young I had to Post stuff manually... Barefoot in the snow,,, uphill both ways....... And I was GRATEFULL

   I wish I could go back in time so I could remember where I was going with this update

   that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.

   If you say "beer can" with a British accent, you can say "bacon" with a Jamaican accent.

   Wait, Miley Cyrus has been 18 for only a week, and there's already naked pictures of her? Somebody might be beating Lindsay to porn.