Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.
←Rate | 06-20-2011 21:53 by Danny Comments (0)  

   messageicon I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent... twisted... gyrated... jumped up and down... and perspired for a half an hour. But by the time I got my tights on.... the class was over!
←Rate | 10-02-2011 16:27 by Dani Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girl told me that her fantasy f*ck would be Brad Pitt. Then she went mental because I told her mine. Apparently Amber from next door wasn't a good answer,
←Rate | 08-04-2011 04:53 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don't look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
←Rate | 04-02-2011 18:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it's my modesty that stands out.
←Rate | 05-23-2012 15:55 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn't Nintendo.
←Rate | 09-25-2012 21:59 by Daniel Comments (0)  

   messageicon Reason why I check my voice mail... 5% Because I care about my missed calls, 95% to remove that annoying icon.
←Rate | 07-08-2011 14:01 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see the Jersey Shore cast crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!
←Rate | 02-04-2010 10:19 by JeremyCakes Comments (0)  

   messageicon my neighbors put their Christmas decorations up early, so I put my Easter stuff out just to one-up them.
←Rate | 11-11-2010 20:22 by boomtastic Comments (0)  

   messageicon Since the hottest chicks always seem to date the biggest assholes I wonder if, "come here, bit@h" would be an effective pick-up line.
←Rate | 04-05-2010 11:34 by Randizzle Comments (0)  

   messageicon Admit it....You once made a little kid cry, and then made them laugh so you wouldn't get in trouble...
←Rate | 11-15-2011 00:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Someone could get rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights. Grrr....
←Rate | 11-19-2011 13:14 by Dave Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
←Rate | 11-27-2011 14:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Live today like it's your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn't.
←Rate | 03-21-2012 15:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate it when I buy a hamster at the pet store, and it grows huge, becomes a rapper and steals my KIA...
←Rate | 12-27-2011 20:50 by fadolo Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do porn sites have a Google+ option? I don't want my friends knowing I use Google+
←Rate | 05-01-2013 01:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nicki Minaj looks like an unlocked character that you get on the last level of Mortal Kombat.
←Rate | 12-30-2012 15:28 by Ortega Comments (0)  

   messageicon A cop stopped me and asked "Do you know why I followed you " so I said "because my tweets are funny" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in Jail.....
←Rate | 01-12-2013 00:31 by @zubindalal1 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
←Rate | 07-30-2013 22:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't you just love it when someone owes you money and posts that they just bought some luxury item for themselves.
←Rate | 02-08-2011 11:44 Comments (0)  

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