Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
←Rate | 03-23-2012 22:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I win the Mega Millions...The first order of business is buy the company I work for. Second, fire myself and collect unemployment...double dipping
←Rate | 03-31-2012 01:01 by @gnarleycharley Comments (0)  

   messageicon Of everything I've ever accomplished in my life, I'm most proud of the fact that I've never seen an episode of Jersey Shore.
←Rate | 01-04-2012 05:03 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon Please understand that my "May attend" response to your Facebook Event is my polite way of saying “Hell no”
←Rate | 01-20-2012 12:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
←Rate | 02-03-2012 13:12 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon Picking up someone at a bar when you're drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn't want.
←Rate | 02-16-2012 09:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
←Rate | 02-22-2012 17:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon wondering why people with bad breath are always wanting to tell me a secret.
←Rate | 06-30-2010 08:48 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon Roses are red Violets are blue Friend Requests are great But who the f#$k are you?
←Rate | 07-05-2010 00:25 by RoN Comments (0)  

   messageicon We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
←Rate | 01-11-2011 10:36 by Will Comments (0)  

   messageicon Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
←Rate | 09-24-2010 21:52 by greg2missy Comments (0)  

   messageicon : Am I the only one who sat in class during high school and imagined what I would do to people if I could stop time?
←Rate | 10-28-2010 20:03 by Kelevra Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
←Rate | 09-11-2012 17:30 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish there was a ” like” button for texting.. so when I run out of things to say I can just ” like” their last txt and be done with it!!
←Rate | 09-16-2012 14:00 by DL Comments (0)  

   messageicon you will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
←Rate | 03-02-2013 05:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is
←Rate | 04-06-2013 23:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren't on those bridges when I burned them.
←Rate | 08-30-2012 10:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pi*sed. Not my fault they don't have Windows.
←Rate | 01-16-2013 06:17 by @zubindalal1 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hope the word ‘berserk’ appears at least once in my obituary.
←Rate | 07-10-2013 22:08 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
←Rate | 04-28-2011 20:48 by Mahdi H Comments (0)  

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