Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If I had a time machine I'd show Albert Einstein the Internet and ruin everything.
←Rate | 04-27-2012 06:07 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole
←Rate | 03-01-2017 11:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Go fund me = internet panhandling
←Rate | 07-25-2016 12:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hope tonight's the night when we'll finally see a presidential candidate make the jerk-off motion while the other candidate is speaking.
←Rate | 09-26-2016 14:39 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just saw a commercial for Ramen noodles on the Food Network. Now that takes some balls...
←Rate | 05-11-2014 20:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Oh honey, you're not pretty enough to be that stupid
←Rate | 12-06-2013 11:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
←Rate | 12-22-2013 14:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
←Rate | 12-30-2013 07:27 by Huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon Its called KARMA and its pronounced "Ha ha you got served what you deserve"
←Rate | 01-25-2014 08:30 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon If anyone asks, I'm drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
←Rate | 02-10-2014 07:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Divorce---When being wrong every day for being alive isn't working for you.
←Rate | 01-16-2015 08:33 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
←Rate | 01-17-2015 12:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon THE GENIUS OF DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME - Your child is Now standing at the bus stop in the dark, and goes to bed while it's still light outside.
←Rate | 03-08-2015 07:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife and I found each other on a dating website, 3 years after we got married... That was awkward.
←Rate | 04-12-2015 19:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I drive safer when there's food on the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there.
←Rate | 02-06-2016 18:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Looks like Andrew Jackson's been tossed to the back of the bus.
←Rate | 04-25-2016 07:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving.......just in case it's an intervention.
←Rate | 05-24-2016 22:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm confused. Celebrity comedians are paid millions of dollars... Yet the funniest people on the internet are janitors and stay-at-home moms.
←Rate | 06-23-2014 14:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can always tell if it's going to be a good year based on how fat or skinny Christina Aguilera is.
←Rate | 08-20-2014 01:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.
←Rate | 10-12-2014 18:18 Comments (1)  

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