Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
←Rate | 11-05-2013 13:02 by snotty Comments (2)  

   messageicon I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
←Rate | 11-19-2013 18:55 by JMc Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had this one night stand a few weeks ago but I wasn't satisfied with the craftsmanship so I returned it and got a bedside table instead...
←Rate | 08-14-2015 15:31 by eengrms Comments (0)  

   messageicon Know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved when first dating? After 20 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
←Rate | 10-04-2015 11:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
←Rate | 10-04-2015 11:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon “Friendzoned“ should be a relationship status on Facebook.
←Rate | 03-11-2014 03:11 by Udit Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yesterday my wife caught me checking out our hot new neighbor and all she had to say to me was, “It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home".
←Rate | 02-08-2012 07:22 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm so terrible at Chess. The only way I'll ever get to say "Checkmate" is if I eat at a restaurant in Australia.
←Rate | 02-09-2012 10:11 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Have fun" is just a nicer phrase for "have a horrible time without me."
←Rate | 02-28-2012 23:30 by @DonSicks Comments (0)  

   messageicon Guess I better get some sleep. I have to get up in 10 minutes.
←Rate | 06-17-2012 14:38 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thanks ABC News, if it wasn't for your extensive news coverage, I wouldn't have known that it gets hot outside in the middle of July. 
←Rate | 07-08-2012 13:10 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it....That's Hollywood
←Rate | 04-20-2012 22:05 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

   messageicon The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
←Rate | 05-01-2012 11:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't worry; it's only kinky the first time.
←Rate | 01-10-2012 13:34 by KISSTOPHER Comments (0)  

   messageicon i hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan...
←Rate | 01-24-2012 21:22 by gee Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
←Rate | 11-17-2011 22:36 by g0re Comments (0)  

   messageicon Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends.
←Rate | 03-27-2012 21:55 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Decided to have an Easter egg hunt this year. The golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. Who said we were too old for Easter?!?
←Rate | 03-31-2012 13:56 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I say "It's a long story," it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you.
←Rate | 04-17-2012 15:46 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
←Rate | 09-12-2011 00:33 Comments (0)  

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