Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   MTV is 30 today, which is the same age the '16 And Pregnant' girls will be when they first become grandmothers.

   My Born Again Christian friend with the Porsche is wondering why I've been following him around all morning........

   I don't LOL as much as I lead people to believe I do...

   Two wrongs may not make a right, but damn, sometimes it sure puts a smile on my face!

   spring cleaning time. while your at it get rid of those people who are only bringin you down and taking up space in your life.

   Don't tell your problems to people: eighty percent don't care; and the other twenty percent are glad you have them.

   I remember when the phrase "I'm completely bald" only referred to your head.

   A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?" "Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

   if i'd have killed her when I met her, I'd be out of jail by now.

   girl next to me at work is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup... NICE!

   everybody needs sex. we need stories to tell are friends. Like "the prostitute gave the money back... no lie."

   This whole time you've been worried about dying from unhealthy burgers, but now you find out that drinking water with a McDonalds Shrek glass is what's going to kill you. Go figure

   Britain: The only nation that runs more efficiently through a world war than through a snow storm.

   A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

   A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

   relieved that even tho 230,000 government workers couldn't make it past the blizzard to work in DC this week, the country has somehow managed to continue as if nothing happened.

   just because I rock doesnt mean I'm made of stone

   We celebrate Labor Day by not working. Which is kind of like celebrating Arbor Day by paving the backyard.

   Dear Bed, I love you.

   I just watched a show about a person who was addicted to pizza. I believe the technical name for this condition is "normal."