Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud

   Rep. Maxine Waters refused to attend Trump's address to the joint session of Congress Instead she stayed home to work on a bill addressing the Russian invasion of Korea.

   If you are surprised that Facebook may be selling your data then you are the reason hairdryers come with the warning, "Do not use in shower"

   I don't see why everybody wants a white iPhone. Everyone knows the black one runs faster.

   Skinny girls think their chubby, chubby girls think their fat, fat girls think their obese and obese girls think their supermodels

   Dear Drama Queens who cry ab not every status being hillarious.. Isnt that the point? You scroll through all the crappy ones, kill a little time in ur day then BAM got one!!! Sorry we cant just hand you everything in life.

   Shouldn't the fortune in every fortune cookie be "You are about to eat a stale cookie?"

   Way to go Ferguson...Burning down the same grocery stores where you use your foodstamps to shop. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. Real justice losers!. Real justice

   A teacher in a detriot kindergarden class asked the kids what sound does a pig make? Little Tyrone stood up and yelled FREEZE MUTHAF**KA

   what's the closest thing to a womans period? Your salary! It comes once a month, lasts about 4-5 days anf if it doesn't come... it means you're screwed!!

   experiencing life at a rate of several wtf's a minute

   My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.

   Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me...

   thinks Facebook keeps trying REALLY hard to connect me with people I'm desperately trying to avoid.

   Charlie Sheen snorted enough coke to kill Two and a Half Men.

   Apple is coming out with a 60 inch flat screen, and now I have to explain to my son why community college is good enough.

   When a man orders salad and wine at dinner, I order a huge steak and a beer, because someone has to show him how not to be a pu$$y.

   Learned a lesson from my dog tonight.................No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.

   If I had 10 nutter butter cookies and you took 5 away, what would you have...That's right, a black eye an a broke hand!

   Without women, life would be a pain in the ass. If you don't get this, you're too young to be on Facebook.