Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I give my kids random punishments and when they ask why I tell them, "You know what you did!" When they don't argue back I know it was justified.

   I'm getting drunk while depressed. If I have your phone number, now would be a good time to your phone off.

   My wife is so much more attractive without having glasses on. That's why I always take mine off when I get home from work!

   Finally, track and field. Where the men are men and the women are too...

   My girlfriend stripped teased for me last night. Well, she's not really my girlfriend, and I had to pay a cover charge.

   Colorado Rockies will be giving out bongs to the first 15,000 on opening night.

   First aid?! You mean Jack Daniels?

   Hey Gen. Petraeus, look on the bright side. At least she was prettier than Monica Lewinski, Rielle Hunter and Schwarzenegger's maid combined...

   If you don't like seeing me naked in the morning... then I suggest you change the timer on your lawn sprinkler system!

   Hey know what's more fun than a baby who has just learned to take off his own diaper?.......... everything...........everything is more fun than that

   If you watch Honey Boo Boo and enjoy it....please seek the help that you need...

   I'm pretty sure the Salvation Army could kick North Korea's a$$...

   What does 'Serious Misconduct' mean Is it fun? It sounds like fun Anyways, HR want to discuss it with me.

   There's something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs....

   2 things that don't mix Ray Lewis and the dark.

   You say "guy friend" but what I really am is a very patient, milquetoast, khakis wearing dude hoping to catch you at your most horniest.

   I just accidentally made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips in the urinal next to me ... I think I need to kill him now.

   If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.

   I love being in that mood where everything is hilarious!

   Who the hell still calls in to request a song on the radio?