Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I do not have adult ADD. I have "What your saying bores the s#it out of me."

   Sometimes I give my kids random punishments and when they ask why I tell them, "You know what you did!" When they don't argue back I know it was justified.

   I'm getting drunk while depressed. If I have your phone number, now would be a good time to your phone off.

   My wife is so much more attractive without having glasses on. That's why I always take mine off when I get home from work!

   Finally, track and field. Where the men are men and the women are too...

   My girlfriend stripped teased for me last night. Well, she's not really my girlfriend, and I had to pay a cover charge.

   Colorado Rockies will be giving out bongs to the first 15,000 on opening night.

   First aid?! You mean Jack Daniels?

   Hey Gen. Petraeus, look on the bright side. At least she was prettier than Monica Lewinski, Rielle Hunter and Schwarzenegger's maid combined...

   If you don't like seeing me naked in the morning... then I suggest you change the timer on your lawn sprinkler system!

   Hey know what's more fun than a baby who has just learned to take off his own diaper?.......... everything...........everything is more fun than that

   Yep, back when I was a kid we had hipsters too ...only then we called them douche bags !

   We're up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn't they just create a weekly TV series?

   I wish I could be as happy as stupid people.

   Wished Justin Bieber would do a tour in the Middle East, Afghanistan to be specific..

   BAM!!! Another Day Not In The Obits!!!

   Screw foreplay. I start sex the way a SWAT team kicks down a door.

   If I'm going to be last on your list, then you can go ahead and just take me off of the list...

   If you watch Honey Boo Boo and enjoy it....please seek the help that you need...

   I'm pretty sure the Salvation Army could kick North Korea's a$$...