Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please hold, your call is important to us. Not “hire more operators” important.. But like “if you need to hang up, that’s cool” important

   Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. 'I won the lottery'.

   It's the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!

   I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.

   April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.

   Stop complaing about "humor" if you have nothing to contribute.

   I always hang a sock on the door knob to let my roommate know I am getting it on with the other sock....

   Ron Jeremy is in the hospital... I think I've seen that one before on Redtube.

   Silence is golden. Unless you have a kid. Then, silence is just suspicious.

   If Obama really wanted to impress me... he'd somehow combine Missouri & Oregon to make a "Show me your beaver" state.

   I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.

   Crazy alert: I just read that some girls are buying positive pregnancy tests on Craiglist to pressure their boyfriends into popping the question. If your girlfriend does this, leave her immediately!

   *Phone on silent*. 10 missed calls. *Turns volume to loudest*. Nobody calls all day.

   Just found my birth certificate. Ugh, it's official: I've gained weight.

   Atoms are what make us all Matter:)

   Dance like nodody's watching, love like no one can give the authorities a helpful description, stalk like there's no restraining order.

   ‎"There goes the neighborhood" - Spongebob Squarepants

   When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

   Happy Birthday forever to everyone on Facebook!! Whew, glad I got that out of the way.

   I'm not saying that you and your girlfriend are unatractive, but when you two got into that physical altercation at the bar, every single person there immediately called PETA except for Michael Vick and that's only because he had already wagered on her